Keli (I picked the one no one else would because that's what Keli would pick) is a trip. I love her dearly. A self described "blonde" ... she speaks before any rational thought enters her brain. Questions about Judaism for example (Note: Keli that refers to "Jews") have often been directed my way. I am undoubtedly the only Jew that Keli knows ... so I'm happy to answer.
The conversation usually begins like this ...
K ... "Joel .. you know the language that you people use in Israel?"
Me ... " I assume by 'my people' you mean ... the Jews?"
K ... "Yeah ... you know the Yittans ... how is it that they ..."
Me ... "Wait .. Keli ... the Yittans?"
K ... "Uh huh ... the language you use ... it's Yittan. right?"
Me ... "You mean Yiddish?"
K ... "I thought it was Yittan. You remember when I met the ribbi, Jah Kobe? I thought he spoke that."
Me ... "No ... listen. He is a RABBI and his name is JACOB and he probably knows YIDDISH. Keli ... if I were you, I wouldn't speak to anyone about Jews outside of our immediate family."
Three months after this conversation, she still confuses Yiddish with Ebonics.
When she has a few drinks ... she's even funnier. One memorable night at a hotel bar on the evening before my nephew's wedding, Keli asked me to play the piano while she sang her rendition of Brad Paisley's "Alcohol" . I was not a Paisley fan and didn't know the song ... so Keli found it on her itunes and stuck the earpiece in my ear so I could figure it out. It's not a tough song to play so I played with the chorus singing in my one ear and Keli singing in the other. Believe it or not .... they were out of synch. And Keli's strong bellowing of "ALCOHOL, ALCOHOL" had 32 notes more than Paisley. (all out of tune)
But friends ... Keli DID redeem herself yesterday and really nailed me.
She emailed the fam about my father-in-law's medical issues and my mother-in-law's responses (she is definitely the matriarch of this clan).
She wrote: "Dr. Mom said PopPop may never straighten up. He lost all his Testes -trone". I replied that perhaps JoAnn meant that his testes fell in the throne. My brother- in-law was interested in knowing about the sexual nature of the "straightening up" comment. Being the clever writer that I THINK I am ... and because I counted 7 members of the sibling clan, I replied: "Well ... I think he only straightened up 7 times in the past, anyway."
Keli jumped on that comment and replied "That would be 6 (Debbie and Dennie are twins)"
My brother- in- law, Tom (The Joker) said: "Outsmarted by a blonde! Suicide is the only option".