Sunday, March 20, 2016

A Penny for your Thoughts

I just listened to a funny routine about men's brains vs women's brains. We've all heard  variations on this theme ... this one was entertaining and really hit home ...

Men have brains filled with boxes. Each one is different and each is separate. When a man wants to discuss a subject he pulls out a box and opens it up. When he's finished he closes it, puts it away and opens another one. No boxes touch ... EVER.

Women on the other hand have brains that are like a continuous wire. EVERYTHING is connected back to the beginning of time. Thoughts, emotions, events are all together. That's why women remember everything and men are limited to their boxes.

I almost forgot. There is one box that is the absolute favorite of men. It's EMPTY. Whenever he can, a man takes this box out and has it open for hours. This is why men can do mindless things for long periods of time like fishing or watching a game on TV ... doesn't matter which game or even which sport.

Women don't understand this because they can't ever do nothing ... too much activity up there. Hence the perennial question that women have for a man ... "So ... What's on your mind?"

Man answers ...  "Ummm ... Nothing."

Woman ... "Right! Can't we ever have a meaningful discussion?"

Man ... "Yes. Sure we can."

Woman ... "Apparently not."

Man ... (Straining to have a thought) "Wanna watch the game?"

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Living in a House of Cards

Okay ... Everyone who is fed up with the candidates from this year's presidential campaign raise your hands! No ... Not you guys. I know you get confused. You started that right hand salute just like that house painter from Vienna ... Ummm ... What's his name with the little moustache?

I, for one, needed a break from reality so I started watching the new series of House of Cards. Frank Underwood is the man ...  He could take any candidate today and  shrink them down to size in his bare hands because ... He is one bad dude. 

Only one person scarier than Frank: his wife Claire. She is even more of a force in the new season. 

I love this show. It's politics at its worst, no redeeming qualities for the candidates, and decisions based on retaining power and control. The characters would literally kill their mothers for control. 

Wait a minute ... I just realized something ... Maybe it IS reality TV. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Houston We Have a Problem

I rarely talk about work trips ... but wanted to share the one that we took yesterday ... just for grins. We flew to Houston to have dinner with a few very special alumni. 

The United flight was not full so once we boarded, we asked about changing our seats (after we realized that we were sitting right in front of the bathroom).

The flight attendant replied, "Well, as long as  you don't sit in row 21 or higher... " he paused and pursed his lips, "Those are upgrades."

"Okay. So can we pay for an upgrade?"

"That will cost you $100 a ticket if you did it here. "

"Where else can you do it?"

I think that threw him for a loop so he just waved me on. We wound up sitting in the "better" seats which really seemed like the other seats just not by the bathroom. They didn't charge us. 

When we landed, we faced our next transportation challenge: the ride to the Courtyard Marriott. Apparently there was a shuttle to the hotel but no one knew exactly where or when it arrived so we decided to take a taxi. We approached the lady who manned the taxi stand who told us... "You should really take the shuttle."

Really? The taxi lady said don't take a taxi. Hmmmm. Well since we had limited time to check in and get to the restaurant we went with the taxi. How bad could it be? After all, the drive was supposed to be a few minutes to the hotel. 

Thirty minutes later we arrived. 

We checked in and the clerk asked out of the blue, "Did you take the shuttle?"

"No." I said. "What's with the shuttle? And why is it 30 minutes by cab?"

"Oh the shuttle takes the airport toll roads. It's so much faster. "

"So why doesn't the taxi?"

"Don't know."

Enough of this. 

I got my key and headed to the elevator which was located in a doorway of a guest room. Can you believe that?

Dinner was at a great South African restaurant named Peli Peli. Really great food. I had a spicy shrimp dish and others ate hanging meat from a stick (not the technical term). 

It was my birthday, so the waiter took our picture and printed me a hard copy which he signed (so I guess I'll always remember my night with Clayton).  

The night ended with yet another transportation mishap. Our cabbie forgot to pick us up so they called Uber instead. 

What a trip!

I am still an Uber novice so I didn't realize that the Uber drivers apparently have other interesting lives which they enjoy sharing. At least Kyle did ... Without taking a breath. He was married to a 28 year old Argentinian opera singer who had miraculous results with throat cancer treatments and beat the odds. She once sang with Placido Domingo which we found out when he cranked up her cd in the car. I'm sure he had a case in the trunk if I would have asked more questions. 

Finally back to an uncomfortable bed, a few hours of sleep and a 5am wake up to get to the airport. 

And you thought my life was not glamorous!

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...