Saturday, February 27, 2010
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.
COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.
DARWINISM: You have two cows. They develop opposable thumbs and milk you.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.
LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.
PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow man!
SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
He's a 7000 pound whale at that! And he's been captive in a big swimming pool for 20 years. Let's put his size and history in perspective: If someone put you in a bathtub for 20 years and forced you to do tricks with thousands of people watching you ... maybe you'd become a KILLER human.
By the way ... in 2006, a trainer at the adventure park was hospitalized after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him underwater during a show at Shamu Stadium. In 1999, Tillikum (the same whale that killed the trainer today) was blamed for the death of a 27-year-old man whose body was found floating on his back in a tank at SeaWorld. Tillikum and two other whales also were involved in the drowning of a trainer at a Victoria, British Columbia, marine park in 1991.
Sea World came up with the answer ... the whale shows have been cancelled temporarily.
What were they thinking?
This "top story" totally overshadowed the two other important stories of the day:
Two Teachers Suspended After Performing a Lap Dance During a School Event
My favorite quote of the day:
"The guy gave the girl teacher a lap dance," a student told the Sun. "It was dirty. He put his face in her crotch. She laughed and looked like she was really enjoying it."
What were they thinking?
Then there was this story by CNN:
140-year-old Hot Dog Found Yesterday on Coney Island under Feltman’s restaurant
Thursday morning, CNN reported this story from a New York news station affiliate.The 141 year old hot dog was found by an archaeologist under Feltman's Restaurant and was encased in ice.
The video of the story from the local TV news station showed an original receipt from Feltman’s that was encased in the ice as well. The reporter went on to say that the hot dog was being put on exhibit and they were touting it as the first hot dog in existence. The exhibit was scheduled to open on Coney Island on Palm Sunday. The news story even went so far as to ask people if they would go out to Coney Island to see the hot dog exhibit and many people said they would.
SO WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
He set a date for our annual baseball ticket drawing for the 2010 Rays season. We share season tickets with about 5-8 couples (depending who is in from year to year). Debbie and I have two tickets for 20 games and have had them from the first season ... when they were known as the Devil Rays.
We've never made it to his house for the drawing ... ever.
Each year I send Rod a note apologizing for not making it to the drawing and each year he picks our tickets for us ... it's a tradition.
I was stunned.
He travels around the world in search of the perfect oceans to dive and take beautiful photographs of the marine life.
On his last trip ... he rented a motorhome. He had a ball ... apparently didn't kill anyone ... and NOW decided to buy one himself.
I can't believe I'm saying this but ... I'm not sure I can go through a whole season without Rod next to me. He always brings a glove with him (as if he's going to really catch a ball), screams at Joe Maddon constantly and insults most of the people around us.
But you gotta love him.
One game ... he got so excited trying to catch one of the wiffle balls that the cheerleaders threw in his direction that he knocked over two kids and a "large" woman with a beer. Took em all out!
He never did catch the ball.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Trust me ... the following is not a commentary on Tiger Woods, golf, sex or the art of text messaging multiple partners. It's really about the guy brain/ girl brain thing ... on steroids.
I'll admit I was probably in the minority among men and women this week. I didn't watch the apology and really haven't paid attention to what was said since. However ... when Woods picture popped up on the TV tonight, I made the critical mistake of saying to Debbie: "Isn't everyone over this already?"
Debbie answered, "Does that mean you condone what he's done?"
"What? No. I really don't care one way or the other."
"Of course you don't. He's ruined his family, has set a horrible example for the country ... and you don't care."
"Um ... yes ... that's right ... I don't care."
"So this country can be overrun by scumbags like him and it wouldn't bother you at all?"
"I thought we were talking about one guy who screwed up badly. I'm not taking a moral stand ... I just said I don't care."
"If someone dropped DEAD in this restaurant tonight ... would you care then?"
It was then that I knew Debbie had taken that dangerous turn into ... Theresnoanswerforthequestionbecauseitdoesntmakesense Land. We husbands know this terrain well. There's no way out.
"So ... you care about THAT and you don't even know the person ... but not about a celebrity who is a terrible role model for our children."
"Well ... since our children are all over 21 they can really make up their own minds ... but what I'm saying is that he is a great golfer and a crummy husband ... but I don't really want to hear about his sex life any more. I just wondered why people keep talking about it."
"Because people are INTERESTED that's why. Maybe it would be good if you were interested in something other than he is a great golfer."
"I only meant ..."
Damn ... She always seems to get in the last word.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Bruce N. (or as he's called in Jersey: "Da Naz") and his wife Maria invited three couples to their condo for lasagna and gaming: Debbie and I ... my brother- in- law Tom "the Joker" and Debbie's twin Dennie ... and Aldo and Cecelia. It's really impossible to give Aldo a nickname ... he defies description in less than 150 words.
The first round of questions were for the guys ... so the girls headed to the bedroom. Bruce passed out our personalized official paper plates and pens. He read 4 questions which were supposed to be answered "quietly" ... a word that is not in Aldo's vocabulary.
1. What is the thing that you do that annoys your wife the most?
(Aldo: "Oh man I got this f-ing answer. There is no f-ing way we won't win this game.")
2. What is the thing your wife does right before she goes to sleep?
(Aldo: "Hey! There's another easy f-ing one. I am taking you two down!")
3. What is your wife always in control of?
(Aldo: "Oh f-k ... everything, man. How am I supposed to answer this f-ing question. Okay ... okay ... I got it.")
4. When your wife drives the car with you in it ... what's the first thing you do?
(Aldo: "I get out of the f-ing car. That's what I do. What the f-k do you do?")
I'm sure there were other comments but not nearly as loud or as funny as Aldo's. Bruce occasionally reminded Aldo to "shut the f-k up and write his f-ing answers down". That's Jersey for, "Aldo, no talking please."
The girls returned, took their places next to us as Bruce read from each of our paper plates. Question number one was an easy one for Cecelia ... Drinking. "Badaboom!" Aldo had the first point. Dennie and Tom missed by a mile but Debbie hit a bullseye ... Picking his nose! "Yes!" We had a point. Aldo glared at me.
Cecelia: "The first thing that I do .... um ... I take off my makeup and cream my skin."
Aldo: "NAW! That is not the first f-ing thing you do Cecelia. C'mon ..."
Bruce: "Okay ... Aldo said that you (reading) run and play ... "
Aldo: "I f-ing said READ AND PRAY."
Bruce: "Oh yeah. Your handwriting sucks Aldo .... Read and pray ... no points."
Aldo: "Sh-t Cecelia how could you not get that."
Dennie and Tom were again a mile off. I think Tom said "wash up" and Dennie said "talk on the phone". But Tom added ... that could be a full time job ... anyway he went to sleep three hours before her so he wouldn't know. Interestingly enough, Debbie and I were right in sync. She said "wash my face and brush my teeth". "Bingo."
Aldo: "Wait a f-ing minute. He's ahead of me? No f-ing way. Cecelia ... you better get this next one."
Debbie and I missed the next two ... so did Tom ... and Aldo got one of them correct ... so we were tied. I was relieved. If I beat Aldo, there might have been two wise guys on my doorstep at midnight asking me if I like to swim with the fishes.
It was the girls' turn ... so we headed into the bedroom.
Fortunately he had to go to the bathroom .... but returned a couple of minutes later with a bunch of fake flowers sticking out of his zipper. I won't even tell you the comments on that one.
Everybody missed the first two questions: What does your husband do best (in the relationship)? and What does he like about you? The guys took the safe route and answered that we do nothing right and we love everything about the girls. NO POINTS for the game but big points at home.
The third question was ultimately thrown out because Bruce read Debbie's answer to Dennie's response ... something about soft skin ... but by then I was really zoning. There was another about shoes but after Dennie's 65 pair answer ... I knew I'd never get that one right.
Then the final question which Aldo hit perfectly: What is your wife's bra size? He knew 34C! "Badaboom! We are gonna win this f-ing game suckas."
I had hoped Tom would be next.
Bruce: "Okay ... you two better both answer cause the girls are twins." I hit it high and Tom hit it low. I said C he said A and it was B ... neither of us had a clue.
Aldo was very happy ... he won a Kenny Rogers CD and Tom got plastic handcuffs for being last.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
"Well, I just said to Kathy that I'd think about it. After all, why would we make plans that we might have to break if we don't know what we have and we haven't committed to do what we were going to do. Don't you agree?"
Do you know what this sentence fragment means? Are you curious .... even after re-reading this ... what the author's message is? Maybe you're asking yourself ....
1. Who is Kathy?
2. What are the plans?
3. What did the entire second sentence mean?
4. And .... what exactly am I agreeing to?
I ask those questions ... every day.
This is an example of a typical introductory paragraph to a conversation that is initiated by my wife, Debbie. She apparently thinks that she has prepared me with background information to help me give her an intelligent answer ... but nine times out of ten, her stories start and stop in the middle. I'm sure in her mind she has worked out the first part and the last part.
Every husband in America (and beyond) knows what comes next:
"Um ... Honey ... Can you say that again?"
And she replies: "See? You never listen."
Now ... if I was a smarter man (which I will admit is a REAL shortcoming) ... I would counter with ... "Sorry, dear. I'll try harder. Would you repeat the question?"
Unfortunately I usually ask the four questions above and get the expanded response ... "YOU NEVER LISTEN ... THAT'S OUR PROBLEM ... EVERY BODY ELSE UNDERSTANDS WHAT I SAY .... WHY IS IT THAT YOU NEVER DO?"
To complicate matters, Debbie has multiple friends with the same names ... like 3 Denises and 5 Kathys ... and she also has multiple siblings who begat multiple sons and daughters who begat multiple grandchildren (The last one was named Brenna ... I could never remember her name at all so I just call her "Blanket").
Saturday, February 6, 2010
But it definitely isn't like that now ... and it wasn't that way in the very beginning.
New Orleans Saints History officially began on November 1-- All Saints Day-- in 1966. New Orleans was awarded the NFL's 16th franchise and by the end of the year, oilman John W. Mecom Jr became majority stock holder and named Atlanta Falcon offensive co-ordinator Tom Fears as head coach. Before then Fears had been on staff at Green Bay and Los Angeles.
When Archie Manning played quarterback for the Saints during the 1980s, he was sacked more than 300 times. This year, for the inaugural John Madden "Most Valuable Protectors Award" ... the CURRENT offensive line sent the senior Archie to pick up the award on their behalf.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Last night in DC, the South Florida Bulls made history ... again. This time beating a ranked Big East team on the road. Not just any team ... but, The Georgetown Hoyas. My wife, a recent basketball fan since I joined the staff at USF, asked the question before we entered the arena ... "What's a Hoya?" (Actually ... in Debbie-speak it was "So what's a Hoooyahhh?")
It's a good question ... one that the Hoyas might be asking themselves today after we beat them 72 - 64.
I looked it up. Interestingly, "hoya" is Latin for "what" ... that's right ... it comes from a chant "Hoya Saxa" which literally means "What Rocks". So apparently the question remains unanswered in Georgetown.
To my lovely wife: "Sorry honey, I haven't found a hoooyah yet."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Had a flashback walking across the campus today. No ... not an acid flashback ... this one was a true movie-type flashback. It was when Debbie and I drove young Josh Momberg to the University of Georgia his freshman year.
The car was loaded down with his treasures like ... video games, his favorite pillow, some disgusting cologne that he apparently thought would attract college girls (if they had really bad sinus trouble) and a few clothes.
The trip was memorable ... to say the least.
The first night we spent in Athens was at a Holiday Inn close to campus. We shared a room. A bed for us ... a cot for Josh. Some time after midnight, we heard a muffled scream coming from Josh's side of the room. I jumped up and turned on the light and saw Josh completely folded into his cot ... which had somehow snapped shut with only his feet sticking out.
He escaped unharmed ... just sweaty.
She got over it.
My turn came soon after we moved Josh into his dorm. I headed out for coffee and bagels. I remember looking around the surrounding courtyard outside the dorm as I walked the crisscrossed sidewalks when all of a sudden ... I was standing in quicksand. Actually, it was wet cement. Now, most people would step into it with one foot and realize their mistake. Not me. BOTH feet. And I was sinking fast.
"Wait ... I'm really sorry ... what can I do to make up for this?" I stammered.
Mr. O spoke up. "We got a hose, man."
I wasn't sure if they were gonna beat me with it or clean me off ... but I followed them anyway. They uncurled a huge firehose and stood me against the wall. The pressure sent me flush against it as they hosed the cement off my shoes and pants.
As I slogged away, I could hear them snorting and laughing out loud. I took a walk across campus to get coffee and bagles ... hoping I would dry off by the time I got back. I didn't. I walked back to the dorm and Debbie and Josh were standing on the porch waiting for me.
"Where in the world have you been?"
"Why are you so wet?"
"Wet? Oh just a little accident. Not a big thing ..."
Over my shoulder I hear roaring laughter. I turn and see The Fridge and Mr. O with two other guys, Warren Sapp and The Hulk ... laughing it up too. The Fridge brings his pals closer.
"This is the guy! He stepped in with BOTH feet!"
I calmly said, "Funny. Really funny." Debbie and Josh tried to hide their faces.
Fridge handed me a sharp stick. "Hey man PLEASE sign the spot where you fell in .... I want to remember this spot forever."
I signed it "To The Fridge and his friends, Love Joel".
Today, we said goodbye to Tom. This is a hard line to write. I keep rereading it as I write this post about a guy who has touche...
Today, we said goodbye to Tom. This is a hard line to write. I keep rereading it as I write this post about a guy who has touche...
I was just putting the finishing touches on my new novel, Sammy , which will be available to order in November (shameless self promotion!...