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Showing posts from February, 2010

You Have Two Cows

I ran across this yesterday ... it's been around forever but if you haven't seen it it's worth a read.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

DARWINISM: You have two cows. They develop opposable thumbs and milk you.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. …

What Were They Thinking?

By now ... everybody has heard about the story of the trainer from Sea World who was killed by (of all things) a KILLER whale. I love all the "reasons" that the experts have given for this tragic event ... the trainer's ponytail got caught in his teeth ... the whale was "horsing" around and bumped her against another whale ...  her ponytail bothered his nose .... well ... Hello? Maybe he was just a KILLER whale.

He's a 7000 pound whale at that! And he's been captive in a big swimming pool for 20 years. Let's put his size and history in perspective: If someone put you in a bathtub for 20 years and forced you to do tricks with thousands of people watching you ... maybe you'd become a KILLER human.

By the way ... in 2006, a trainer at the adventure park was hospitalized after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him underwater during a show at Shamu Stadium. In 1999, Tillikum (the same whale that killed the trainer today) was blamed for the dea…

Play Ball

Got an email today from my buddy, Rod Challenger.

He set a date for our annual baseball ticket drawing for the 2010 Rays season. We share season tickets with about 5-8 couples (depending who is in from year to year). Debbie and I have two tickets for 20 games and have had them from the first season ... when they were known as the Devil Rays.

We've never made it to his house for the drawing ... ever.

Each year I send Rod a note apologizing for not making it to the drawing and each year he picks our tickets for us ... it's a tradition.


This year his response had a different twist: " I am so surprised (that you're not coming). Hey, by the way, we bought a motorhome and plan to tour the country ... will miss most of the season ..."

I was stunned.

Rod retired from broadcasting last year ... he was a newscaster for 78 years or so (maybe 79) and weathered a couple of heart attacks, lightning strikes (he was struck by lightning some years back during a newscast and car…

I Don't Care

Tonight, Debbie and I had the "discussion" that couples all over the world have had the last few weeks: Tiger Woods and his Fall From Grace.

Trust me ... the following is not a commentary on Tiger Woods, golf, sex or the art of text messaging multiple partners. It's really about the guy brain/ girl brain thing ... on steroids.

I'll admit I was probably in the minority among men and women this week. I didn't watch the apology and really haven't paid attention to what was said since. However ... when Woods picture popped up on the TV tonight, I made the critical mistake of saying to Debbie: "Isn't everyone over this already?"

Debbie answered, "Does that mean you condone what he's done?"

"What? No. I really don't care one way or the other."

"Of course you don't. He's ruined his family, has set a horrible example for the country ... and you don't care."

"Um ... yes ... that's right ... I do…

Happy V Day

This is from my daughter Alissa on Valentine's Day:









Happy Valentine's Day to someone who raised me, loved me unconditionally and made me almost capable of having a functional relationship.


That's my kid!

(Love you honey ... xoxo)

Yo!

Last night we played a home version of the Newlywed Game.

Bruce N. (or as he's called in Jersey: "Da Naz") and his wife Maria invited three couples to their condo for lasagna and gaming: Debbie and I ... my brother- in- law Tom "the Joker" and Debbie's twin Dennie ... and Aldo and Cecelia. It's really impossible to give Aldo a nickname ... he defies description in less than 150 words.

The first round of questions were for the guys ... so the girls headed to the bedroom. Bruce passed out our personalized official paper plates and pens. He read 4 questions which were supposed to be answered "quietly" ... a word that is not in Aldo's vocabulary.

1.  What is the thing that you do that annoys your wife the most?
(Aldo: "Oh man I got this f-ing answer. There is no f-ing way we won't win this game.")
2.  What is the thing your wife does right before she goes to sleep?
(Aldo: "Hey! There's another easy f-ing one. I am takin…

Did I tell You?

"Well, I just said to Kathy that I'd think about it. After all, why would we make plans that we might have to break if we don't know what we have and we haven't committed to do what we were going to do. Don't you agree?"

Do you know what this sentence fragment means? Are you curious .... even after re-reading this ... what the author's message is? Maybe you're asking yourself ....
1. Who is Kathy?
2. What are the plans?
3. What did the entire second sentence mean?
4. And .... what exactly am I agreeing to?

I ask those questions ... every day.

This is an example of a typical introductory paragraph to a conversation that is initiated by my wife, Debbie. She apparently thinks that she has prepared me with background information to help me give her an intelligent answer ... but nine times out of ten, her stories start and stop in the middle. I'm sure in her mind she has worked out the first part and the last part.

Every husband in America (and beyon…

Dey Ain't the "Aints" No More

They used to be called the Aints. Even those of us who always loved them called them that in moments of weakness.

But it definitely isn't like that now ... and it wasn't that way in the very beginning.

New Orleans Saints History officially began on November 1-- All Saints Day-- in 1966. New Orleans was awarded the NFL's 16th franchise and by the end of the year, oilman John W. Mecom Jr became majority stock holder and named Atlanta Falcon offensive co-ordinator Tom Fears as head coach. Before then Fears had been on staff at Green Bay and Los Angeles.

The Saints actually had some big names signed to the roster. Names like Billy Kilmer and Doug Atkins. The Former LSU Tiger and Green Bay legend Jim Taylor would play his last season in New Orleans before being inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame. Taylor's team mate Paul Hornung had actually been chosen in the expansion draft also, but a back injury led him to an early retirement. For the defense, players like defensive end D…

What's a Hoya?

What a game!!!

Last night in DC, the South Florida Bulls made history ... again. This time beating a ranked Big East team on the road. Not just any team ... but, The Georgetown Hoyas. My wife, a recent basketball fan since I joined the staff at USF, asked the question before we entered the arena ... "What's a Hoya?" (Actually ... in Debbie-speak it was "So what's a Hoooyahhh?")

It's a good question ... one that the Hoyas might be asking themselves today after we beat them 72 - 64.

I looked it up. Interestingly, "hoya" is Latin for "what" ... that's right ... it comes from a chant "Hoya Saxa" which literally means "What Rocks". So apparently the question remains unanswered in Georgetown.

To my lovely wife: "Sorry honey, I haven't found a hoooyah yet."

By the way, Stan Heath, USF coach (right) and John Thompson III, Georgetown (left) coach have something else in common ... they were separated at bi…

Walk In My Shoes

Had a flashback walking across the campus today. No ... not an acid flashback ... this one was a true movie-type flashback. It was when Debbie and I drove young Josh Momberg to the University of Georgia his freshman year.
The car was loaded down with his treasures like ... video games, his favorite pillow, some disgusting cologne that he apparently thought would attract college girls (if they had really bad sinus trouble) and a few clothes.

The trip was memorable ... to say the least.

The first night we spent in Athens was at a Holiday Inn close to campus. We shared a room. A bed for us ... a cot for Josh. Some time after midnight, we heard a muffled scream coming from Josh's side of the room. I jumped up and turned on the light and saw Josh completely folded into his cot ... which had somehow snapped shut with only his feet sticking out.

He escaped unharmed ... just sweaty.

Debbie's turn at bad luck was on the next morning when she opened her (third or fourth) suitcase and n…