Saturday, December 31, 2016

Sunshine Boys ... Sammy Is Smiling Up There

Watched the Sunshine Boys last night.

Oddly enough I think it was the news about Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher that had me missing my Dad who passed away last year. Walter Matthau is about as close to being with Sammy as you can get. Sammy IS Willie Clark ... half of the vaudeville pair of Lewis and Clark, with George Burns as his partner.

If you've never seen it ... put it on your to do list for 2017. Even though the movie was produced over 40 years ago, the writing and the delivery is as fresh and funny as it was back then. 

Clark's nephew Ben is also his manager. In one scene, he visits his uncle with an offer to appear with Lewis in an ABC special but Clark refuses to ever speak to him again.

Ben grabs his chest and says, "I get chest pains every Wednesday when I come to visit."

Willie says, "So visit me on Tuesday."   

In another scene, Willie (who has a constant battle with his nurse) asks her, "How old is a woman like you?"

"I'm 54," she says.

"You married?"

"My husband passed a few years ago."

Willie pauses. "So ... You were his nurse?"

Everything about this movie reminds me of Sammy. The only difference is that Sammy was real (so were MY chest pains on Wednesdays).

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I'll get serious here for a minute.

This is a message to all of the children who still have their parents. Sure they can be a pain in the ass, yes they are embarrassing in public and I'm sure they often say things that hurt your feelings.

Forgive them.

They forgave you just about every day when you were growing up. If you were lucky they were always there when you flushed your mom's ring down the toilet, when you threw up all over them after you had your first beer, or when you called them horrible names when they put you on restriction.

I read where Carrie Fisher was so angry with Debbie Reynolds that she didn't see her for ten years. Must have broken her heart.

Call your parents and visit them from time to time. Nothing is forever.


My Little Baby Is Having a Little Baby!!


How can it be?

Alissa was just a baby a few years ago and now she is expecting a baby of her own. Can't believe that the little girl who ran around the house in a genie outfit with little plastic slippers is now 33 years old and is four moths pregnant. Crazy.

And on Christmas day we all experienced the latest pregnancy fad: A Gender Reveal Party. For those of you who are like me (unaware of the latest fads) Gender Reveal is where the family and friends gather together to find out what sex the baby is ... as well as mom and dad.

In our case, we gathered at Alissa and Nate's while her friends dressed their little dog, Riley in the appropriate color and tied balloons around his waist as we waited outside for the big show.

Note: A few months ago, Riley had his own "reveal" when Nate sent his DNA out to be analyzed. It came back positive that he was ... a dog.

When we were all set, Riley ran out of the door adorned in baby blue.

It's a boy!

Congrats to my beautiful little girl and her great husband! They will be spectacular parents. I have no doubt!

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Checking It Twice!

I really hate shopping.

Surely, many of you feel the same, especially this time of year. I really shouldn't complain. Debbie does the mega shopping for the family. I can't say she enjoys it but she's really good at it ... she's focused, organized and she approaches it like a military operation. She does it old school with written lists, multiple stores, wrapping everything herself. There are no Amazon drones flying over our house.

Today, I finished up "my list".

Yes ... I have a list too. Don't be too impressed. I didn't create it. Debbie gives me the list. It's all the things that she wants. Kinda like telling Santa ... on steroids. The list has gift size, color, where to get it, even what floor its on and a hand drawn map of the inside of the store (kidding, if its available I use the actual printed floor plans). Oh and she usually includes the factory number too.

Our very first conversation about this years ago went something like this:

Me "Honey, I can buy these things any time of the year if you already know they are coming."

Deb "I want them under the tree on Christmas."

Me "But you already know what they are."

Deb "So?"

Me "So tell me why I'm wrapping them and surprising you with them on Christmas."

Deb "I like to unwrap them."

Me "And you imagine that you don't know what they are?"

Deb "No silly! I know what they are. Just do it. Here's my list ... Now give me your list."

Me "I don't have one."

Deb "Why not??"

Me "Because I just buy what I want ... usually."

Deb "HOW COULD YOU? CHRISTMAS SPOILER."

I learned my lesson.

Today ... as I dodged shoppers and baby strollers (which I have decided are used by moms as assault weapons) and loaded up my car with goodies, I thought about Christmas morning. The kids and the babies opening their gifts and Debbie right next to them opening her gifts looking every bit as surprised.

Merry Christmas to all!

Sunday, December 18, 2016

When the Jews Come Out For Christmas

Love this time of year.

Last week we had our annual holiday staff party at World of Beer. The theme was holiday hat decoration. Christine in our office actually did all the artistic work for our hats. Mine was a crowd favorite ... Star of David with silver trimmings. Many people thought I was a Dallas Cowboy fan.

Growing up in New Orleans to Jewish parents (well a Jew and a half) ... Christmas did not visit our house. Hanukkah was the holiday of choice. Eight crazy days of presents.

Not sure presents would be accurate. Gifts? tchatchkis? um ... cheap stuff? One year I got a dreidel (a top with Hebrew letters on it.)

Dreidels are the first step to a lifetime commitment of gambling. Spin the top for cash ... well, loose change. Children take turns and follow the direction that the letter gives you.

Each letter tells you what to do. Take half the pot, take all the pot, match the pot, share the pot, etc.

Sometimes you use gelt.

That's Hanukkah chocolate money. We used to get gelt as a gift for one of the eight crazy nights.

The other nights I remember getting stuff like model airplane kits and Lincoln logs.

One year I remember well. It was the last night of Hanukkah and my dad must have forgotten a gift for my brother and me. We lit the candles and Sammy disappeared into the basement.

He came back beaming with our gift. It was a rope. Not a jump rope ... nope ...

Just a rope.

Happy Holidays!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

All That Glitters ...

Don't get me wrong ... I love getting presents as much as the next guy.

But whoever invented the stuff called "glitter" is a sadist. There is nothing about glitter that could be considered attractive. I'd put it in the category of tacky, annoying, childish and dangerous.

Glitter sticks on everything except what you originally put it on. I had a gift on my car seat that I had picked up from my office.  Close by was a folder that contained a donor agreement that I was presenting that afternoon. I was unaware that the wrapping paper and bow were covered with glitter. Even though the folder was a foot from the gift, it was covered with glitter when I arrived at my appointment.

I tried to wipe it off (stupid amateur  mistake). Yes it was now on my hands, my suit and in my eyes. Ever get that stuff in your eyes? Man!

I walked in to the appointment looking like I spent the afternoon with a team of pole dancers.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe you ... my readers ... love glitter. Personally I believe in the phrase "All that glitters is not gold " although I'd probably replace  "is not gold" with "is useless".

It's been a week and I STILL have glitter on my hand.

Excuse me I have to go take another shower. 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

(Old) Boys' Night Out

Thursday night was "Boys Night Out".

Nine of us met at BJs restaurant for drinks, a meal and then ... a movie: "Bad Santa 2". None of our wives were interested in the movie. In fact, I think they were relieved that we all wanted to go see it together.

Started out with a lot of loud jokes, insults and bad behavior. We have all known each other long enough to pick on sensitive areas. Ray's cheap, Doug's voice is loud, Mark's bald, Tom has a nasty gas problem ... you get the picture. 

Sex and defecation are universal targets.

About 15 minutes after we sat down, the conversation changed to what all old guys talk about. Nope ... not good looking women or athletic prowess ... we all talk about each other's medical issues,

Back problems, blood thinners, urinary issues and colonoscopies were popular themes. A few of us are frequent fliers so we could really embellish tales about stuff like what happens when you get a catheter inserted before and pulled out after surgery.

There were a couple of younger guys that had no clue about the stuff we were talking about but I noticed they hardly touched their food.

Mark picked up the tab for the meal. It was very generous and we all thanked him (although no one offered to chip in. We aren't stupid).

Turns out that Ray bought all the tickets to the movie in advance. We were all shocked. Most of us said "Really? Ray did that? Oh ... he bought all of them at senior prices."  (Steve bought his early because I guess he thought that there would be a big crowd).

Once we got to the theater we realized that other than our one row, there were only 5 other people in the whole place.

We settled in, watched Billy Bob, the elf and his momma do unspeakable acts, use the most disgusting language, beat the hell out of each other and tell the most vicious jokes about women, little people and children that you could imagine.

All in all ... we had a great time!