Saturday, July 31, 2010

School Daze

Earlier this week, I ran into someone who had kids at Shorecrest Preparatory School, the same school my kids went to ... a thousand years ago. It brought back so many memories and funny stories.

One was about my son, Josh, when he was in middle school.

I was asked by the administration to sit in on a meeting with middle school moms who had concerns about the spring dance held in the auditorium. I was on the Board of the school, a parent of a current middle schooler and a veteran of numerous middle school dances that my daughters attended years before.

The Director of the School started the conversation after introductions. "I understand that some of you have questions about our school dance. Is that correct?"

The ladies looked at each other. Finally, one of the group spoke up. "Well ... I have a question. This is the first dance for the kids. Most of us have daughters and I wonder ... what do you do to assure safety?"

"That's a great question. Well we have more than a dozen teachers and chaperones stationed around the auditorium and the children are not allowed to leave without permission once the doors are closed."

"I've heard that the lights are turned out."

"Well ... not exactly. They are turned down so that it looks more like a party."

"That part concerns me."

"It shouldn't ... truly this party is very safe ..."

This brought in a chorus of negative sighs and comments. The Director was losing control so I decided that I should probably step in.

"If I could say a few words. I have had two daughters who have been to numerous parties in the past and I can tell you that they are safe and secure."

One of the ladies to my right asked me ... "Do you have a middle schooler in the class this year?"

"Yes I do. And I'm confident that it will be a good experience for him."

"Him?" She asked. "What's his name?"

"Josh ... Josh Momberg."

There was silence .... finally one of the ladies spoke up and pointed to me.

"He ... is the one we are worried about!"

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Do Over: NOLA Lie Detector Test ... So Did You LIVE There or Are You FROM There?

first published 9/9/09

These are my top 20 vocabulary test questions. If you are FROM New Orleans ... these should be easy (Disclaimer: A score of 3 might mean you grew up there but claim LSD flashback status) :

1. Y'at  ..... This is short for "Where y'at?".... the preferred greeting between friends.
2. NOLA ...... Initials for New Orleans Louisiana and a famous restaurant owned by Emril Lagasse

3. Glaudi ....... Last name of the most famous sportscaster in New Orleans history. First name was Hap and he appeared for years on WWL Channel 4.
4. King Cake ......... This should have been one of the easy ones. The cake that is shaped in a circle covered with colored sugar and served at kids' Mardi Gras (or birthday) parties. Inside is a little plastic baby that ... if you are lucky enough to bite down and break your teeth on it or accidentally swallow it ... you have to hold the next party as soon as you are discharged from the hospital.
5. Mc Kenzie's ......... THE bakery in New Orleans where you order your King Cakes.
6. Coon Ass .......... Term of endearment to a fellow New Orleanian.
7. Earl ........ this is what you fill up your engine with.
8. Oil ........ a man's name.
9. Norma Wallace ......... The most famous (or infamous) prostitute in New Orleans during the 40's - 60's. Her house of ill repute still stands today. (The book at left, The Last Madam is written by a friend, Chris Wiltz.)
10. The Point ...... Make out spot at the Lakefront.
11. Corinne Dunbar's ........ Most unusual restaurant in New Orleans. Closed today but was located on St. Charles Ave. in a townhouse. When you arrived you rang the doorbell and were met by a butler who escorted you to the parlor where you waited to be seated in the dining room. There were only 4 tables and a fixed menu ... family style. GREATEST oysters and artichokes.
12. Jax ....... One of two local breweries. GREAT commercials. The other is better known (Dixie). Today the site is filled with retail shops in the Quarter ... Jackson Brewing Company.
13. Frogman ...... Clarence Henry's nickname. He sang in the Quarter for years varying a falsetto and a deep froggy voice.
14. Rebennack ...... The real last name of Dr. John.

15. Connick ........ Former DA of Orleans Parrish. He had a son by the same name, I think. (the picture on the left is Harry, Sr. with my friend Ronny Foreman who rebuilt The Zoo and The Aquarium)
16. Manning ............ Quarterback of the New Orleans Saints. He had a couple of sons too, if I remember correctly.

17. Barq's ................... THE Root beer of New Orleans.
18. Birch  .................... The other root beer of New Orleans which resided at the Royal Castle next to those little burgers.
19. Bruning's ................ Seafood restaurant on the lakefront. Favorite of locals .... blown away by the storm.
20. Chris's  .......... The steakhouse everybody went to before Ruth bought it.

BY THE WAY ..... If you were thinking you'd find ACME, Mother's, Brennan's, Preservation Hall, Pat O'Briens .... forget it .... you're a one timer.

Friday, July 23, 2010

We're Going To Disney World

Just our luck.

We couldn't get on a flight to DC because of that space available / non-rev / former employee thing I told you about ... So we had to make a quick decision. Deb got on the computer and found a flight from Jacksonville that we might be able to make ... So we jumped in our car and drove from Charleston.

"OH ... S##t!!! (translated .. Ooops)" said Debbie. Not a good sign when I hear that. "Jacksonville has about 39 paid stand-by passengers. Not gonna work. Let's try Orlando."

"Orlando is 7 hours away." I said calmly.

Debbie spouted out 15 more remote cities and I had enough.

At this point we pulled into a gas station. I shared the bathroom with a guy who clearly had Tourettes or was extremely pissed off about something. I joined him in the choruses.

We were now 3 hours into the drive when Alissa, who we were going to visit, called and asked where we were. I told her that we might be able to drive to South Dakota and get to DC sometime in 2012.

"Dad ... let's try another weekend."

"Lissa ... you are so much smarter than me."

Debbie agreed.

"So ... what do you want to do Deb?" I knew that was a mistake. Deb had a brilliant idea. Her favorite place in the world was just a few hours away ... Disney World. That's right. Debbie is a Disney Savant. She is all things Disney, including ... I found out ... what time the monorails depart and every stop they make. This is the woman who ... despite the fact that she didn't have children... knows it better than any 5 year old.

So I called the Disney Chick who handles the reservations ... sorry, she is called a cast member ... and she said they have a room available at the Contemporary Hotel.

"Wow ...", Deb said."I love that place. That's where I used to stay."

Okay ... the Contemporary was the FIRST hotel in Disney World ... that was 40 years ago. It's as old as Mickey almost ... but I said okay ... fine. We might have just enough money to stay there. We did.

They put us in the "extension". That's the place where every child under two and in need of an on-site laundramat stays. The heat from the dryers creates a rain forest throughout the whole facility. And the monorail COMES RIGHT THROUGH OUR ROOM.

Tonight was the final straw. Debbie insisted on having those stupid Mouse ears ... she tried begging, stamping her feet and even tears. I was adamant about this.

I told her absolutely NOT.

I spent our last few bucks on a great hat that was a perfect fit for me.

She is SUCH a child.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Charleston On $5 a Day

We found a very reasonably priced room in Charleston.

It's a good thing, because we spent all our money on Kiawah Island. This hotel needed a little paint but we were told it had historic significance.

Built in the 1800s, it looks pretty much the same as it did back then. I had some reservations (not the kind that hold the room for us) about staying there ...

... but because it was next door to a church, Debbie said let's do it.

We both had to get work for a few days to pay for food and to get to DC to see Alissa, middle daughter. Debbie decided to make baskets at the local market.

I got a job feeding the fish at the South Carolina Aquarium.

Despite the lack of funding ... we still seemed to gain weight on this trip. I donned my favotite shirt to remind me not to get to the chubby porker stage again ... we are definitely dieting when we get home.

Found this for my dad. He will certainly be jealous that his namesake in this town has a whole store for a closet. When Mom was alive, she used the entire house as Esther's Closet ... Sam had one drawer for his treasures. I bet this store is filled with the stuff Sam would love: Sansabelt woolen slacks, checkered nylon shirts, bone colored shoes with white soles, shelves filled with plastic pocket protectors (say that 5 times really fast) and different kinds of pens and pencils.

Sammy ... eat your heart out.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I'm sitting on a beach chair by the pool overlooking the Atlantic Ocean on Kiawah Island outside of Charleston, South Carolina. This place is heaven. Today ... I don't have a care in the world.

I even forgot I had a cell phone.

Debbie's on her second or third mango colada and I just downed a root beer float. We walked for about 59 feet on the beach (That's what Debbie's pedometer reading was) ... broken or improperly used, it's same difference to Deb ... We actually walked for a couple of miles. The beach is so different from our Florida beaches. There are no shells, the sand is smooth and the beach is wider. The water has that green ocean tint.

And there's no oil.

We're staying at a five star resort ... Okay ... i admit that we splurged ... But who cares when you find paradise? I think people put way too much emphasis on price ... Sometimes you have to invest in quality ... It usually pays off in the end.

For example, lets take this bill that I just got for Debbie's drinks ... sure ... it's expensive but that's ... Wait a minute ... This can't be right ... $346 for drinks and nachos? They must think we are made out of money!

"Debbie ... Put down those nachos and that stupid mango whatchamacallit and give me my cell phone. What's the number for Best Western???"

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Do Over: Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

first published 10/01/09
Do you remember where you were when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon?

I do. I was floating in a pool at a beautiful home in Beverly Hills watching on a television set mounted by the barbeque pit. Maybe that's no big deal today with TVs in every room of the house ... but in 1969 it was sheer decadence.

No ... I didn't sneak in. I was invited. I'll start from the beginning.

In the summer of 1969, a couple of friends and I headed out west after finals. We drove across the country (spending about 5 days driving through Texas ... what a boring state). We ended up in LA without money and without any real plan.

Fortunately, one of the guys actually knew someone who gave him a job ... assembling screen doors. It wasn't glamorous but he made enough to get an apartment in the Valley and we were selfish enough to sleep on his floor and take advantage of his new found wealth.

That lasted about a week.

We hit the street in search of employment. I was the luckiest. I landed a job as a photographer's assistant in a commercial photography studio in the Furniture Mart. They did mostly catalog shots for manufacturers that populated the building. By the way ... a photographer's assistant was actually a furniture mover, scenery assembler and go-fer. But I had a blast.

I learned alot that summer ... like ... what REAL Mexican food tastes like from a lunch cart on Hollywood Blvd., which sofabeds cause groin pulls when they slip off the dolly, how to balance on a ladder while you hold together two flats and how much a camera lens costs when you run over it with a cart loaded with mattresses.

I also made lots of friends who hung out on the Strip at night and invited me to lots of parties. The Kennedy Assassination Cospiracy Prayer Group met on Mondays, The Nam YoHo Renghi Kyo Buddhists met on Tuesdays and the Charlie Manson's Not a Bad Guy Theatrical Players performed on Thursdays.

LA was really fun.

One day, I ran into a girl that I had known in New Orleans who had a real job ... and she invited me to her office party ... in Beverly Hills. That's right it was there ... during the moon walk ... that I felt just like Dustin Hoffman in "Mrs. Robinson", floating on the raft ... sunglasses on ...

Oh ... all right ... that was a lie. I wasn't in the pool. I was just dreaming that I was in the pool. But ... I WAS standing close by and I WAS watching the moon walk ...

And I DID get quite a few tips when the party was over and I brought everyone their cars.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, "no other word and no other language" can do it justice.

The example below is better than 1,000 words.

The Essence of Chutzpah

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day
a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years.

The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye, she said: "They're 35 cents now."

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Old Rockers Never Die

Last night we went to a great concert ... Ringo Starr and the All Starr Band.

Ringo's toured over the last ten years with performers from different groups (in the past ... Peter Frampton, Sheila E., etc.) to sold out audiences around the country.

This year's song line up included:

It Don't Come Easy / Honey Don't / Choose Love / Hang On Sloopy (Rick Derringer) / Free Ride (Edgar Winter) / Talking In Your Sleep (Wally Palmar) / I Wanna Be Your Man / Dream Weaver (Gary Wright) / Kyrie (Richard Page) / Other Side of Liverpool / Yellow Submarine / Frankenstein (Edgar Winter) / Peace Dream / Back Off Boogaloo / What I Like About You (Wally Palmar) / Rock N Roll Hoochie Koo (Rick Derringer) / Boys / Love Is Alive (Gary Wright) / Broken Wings (Richard Page) / Photograph / Act Naturally / With A Little Help From My Friends into Give Peace a Chance.

Great music and great to hear a bunch of old guys hit the high notes ... hey ... Ringo is 70 this week.

After the concert I ran into my old friend Johnny Green who invited us to the "meet and greet" ... to see some of the guys. Actually I ran into Johnny in the bathroom as I was standing in front of the urinal ... always an uncomfortable position to have a conversation ... especially with the 10 other urinals filled with guys wondering what this guy behind me was whispering.

The reason Johnny was whispering was because some guy at the far urinal was yelling: "Hey ... Johnny ... Johnny ... can you get me upstairs? Huh? Cmon man .... take me with you to see the band."

There's always one in the crowd ... a guy who has to be in on the action. All the other guys now were now gathering close by as Johnny whispered to me: "Follow me when you're finished."

I sheepishly headed out the door and followed Johnny upstairs. In my mind I kept seeing the urinal guy getting stopped at the door whining ... "You don't understand ... I'm a friend of Johnny's ... really ... he meant to give me a pass ... I'm supposed to be here." He probably had a couple of women trailing behind that he tried to impress. I'm sure they quickly picked up some other guy who had credentials.

And the "meet and greet"? Well ... All the "rockers" went home pretty early with their families ... and us? We left early too. We're just like the old "rockers" ... the kind with the chairs that go back and forth.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What's a Nice Jewish Girl Like You ... ?

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff ! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

From my friend Marsha (love this)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Do Over: Yo!

first published 2/13/10
Last night we played a home version of the Newlywed Game.

Bruce N. (or as he's called in Jersey: "Da Naz") and his wife Maria invited three couples to their condo for lasagna and gaming: Debbie and I ... my brother- in- law Tom "the Joker" and Debbie's twin Dennie ... and Aldo and Cecelia. It's really impossible to give Aldo a nickname ... he defies description in less than 150 words.

The first round of questions were for the guys ... so the girls headed to the bedroom. Bruce passed out our personalized official paper plates and pens. He read 4 questions which were supposed to be answered "quietly" ... a word that is not in Aldo's vocabulary.

1. What is the thing that you do that annoys your wife the most?
(Aldo: "Oh man I got this f-ing answer. There is no f-ing way we won't win this game.")

2. What is the thing your wife does right before she goes to sleep?
(Aldo: "Hey! There's another easy f-ing one. I am taking you two down!")

3. What is your wife always in control of?
(Aldo: "Oh f-k ... everything, man. How am I supposed to answer this f-ing question. Okay ... okay ... I got it.")
4. When your wife drives the car with you in it ... what's the first thing you do?
(Aldo: "I get out of the f-ing car. That's what I do. What the f-k do you do?")

I'm sure there were other comments but not nearly as loud or as funny as Aldo's. Bruce occasionally reminded Aldo to "shut the f-k up and write his f-ing answers down". That's Jersey for, "Aldo, no talking please."

The girls returned, took their places next to us as Bruce read from each of our paper plates. Question number one was an easy one for Cecelia ... Drinking. "Badaboom!" Aldo had the first point. Dennie and Tom missed by a mile but Debbie hit a bullseye ... Picking his nose! "Yes!" We had a point. Aldo glared at me.

Question two:
Cecelia: "The first thing that I do .... um ... I take off my makeup and cream my skin."
Aldo: "NAW! That is not the first f-ing thing you do Cecelia. C'mon ..."
Bruce: "Okay ... Aldo said that you (reading) run and play ... "
Aldo: "I f-ing said READ AND PRAY."
Bruce: "Oh yeah. Your handwriting sucks Aldo .... Read and pray ... no points."
Aldo: "Sh-t Cecelia how could you not get that."

Dennie and Tom were again a mile off. I think Tom said "wash up" and Dennie said "talk on the phone". But Tom added ... that could be a full time job ... anyway he went to sleep three hours before her so he wouldn't know. Interestingly enough, Debbie and I were right in sync. She said "wash my face and brush my teeth". "Bingo."

Aldo: "Wait a f-ing minute. He's ahead of me? No f-ing way. Cecelia ... you better get this next one."

Debbie and I missed the next two ... so did Tom ... and Aldo got one of them correct ... so we were tied. I was relieved. If I beat Aldo, there might have been two wise guys on my doorstep at midnight asking me if I like to swim with the fishes.

It was the girls' turn ... so we headed into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, there was a TV on ... playing the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. Aldo gave the play by play: " Now that's what I'm talkin about ... who the f-k cares about this sh-t. Here's some fag in a leotard hanging from the ceiling, dancin around .... awww ... look at that ... what the f-k is that? What f-ing country is that ... Al f-ing bania? They have one athlete ...."

Fortunately he had to go to the bathroom .... but returned a couple of minutes later with a bunch of fake flowers sticking out of his zipper. I won't even tell you the comments on that one.

Round two:
Everybody missed the first two questions: What does your husband do best (in the relationship)? and What does he like about you? The guys took the safe route and answered that we do nothing right and we love everything about the girls. NO POINTS for the game but big points at home.

The third question was ultimately thrown out because Bruce read Debbie's answer to Dennie's response ... something about soft skin ... but by then I was really zoning. There was another about shoes but after Dennie's 65 pair answer ... I knew I'd never get that one right.

Then the final question which Aldo hit perfectly: What is your wife's bra size? He knew 34C! "Badaboom! We are gonna win this f-ing game suckas."

I had hoped Tom would be next.

Bruce: "Okay ... you two better both answer cause the girls are twins." I hit it high and Tom hit it low. I said C he said A and it was B ... neither of us had a clue.

Aldo was very happy ... he won a Kenny Rogers CD and Tom got plastic handcuffs for being last.

And us? What was our prize? I'll answer like Aldo would have... "We got no f-ing prize but ... we had a great f-ing night with great f-ing friends who share some great f-ing stories and a bottle of great f-ing wine. It was just f-ing great!"

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Conversations With Sammy

Yogi Berra has nothin' on Sam.

Today, Debbie and I went to Menorah Manor for his birthday celebration. When we arrived ... all the birthday celebrants were gathered around the decorated tables ready to sing happy birthday and partake of the huge birthday cake centerpiece.

All were there ... except for Sam.

We went upstairs to his room and found him asleep wearing one shirt backward over his other shirt ... snoring happily.

"Hey Dad ..."

"Huh?" He looks at us for a minute.  "Oh ... what are you doing here?"

"We came to celebrate your birthday. Why aren't you downstairs?"



"Aww ... I don't like hanging around all those old people."

"They have cake and ice cream."

"What did you say?"


"I don't need one ... I hear fine ... besides, they just cleaned out all the wax in my ears and gave me drops yesterday."

Debbie almost passed out.

"Joel ... Listen ..." Sam always starts thoughts this way. "Do you have Nikki's phone number?"

Debbie (getting a little color back in her face). "Sam ... she has the same number that she had when she was here."

"Oh ... do you have it?"

I said ... stupidly, "It's in your phone ... I put it in there last year."

"Oh ... can you give it to me, then?"


"I wanted to thank her for sending me the pictures. I show them to everybody. You know I can't believe it ... I'm the only grandfather who has a grandchild who's a doctor ... I am so proud ....

Debbie and I smilled. "That's very nice..."

"I am so proud ... of me."

"Of you?"

"Yes ... of me. She's my granddaughter and she's a doctor."

We both stifle the laughter to the point of choking.

Sam rubs his forehead. "Joel ... listen ... you know that gal who's up for the Judge position?"

"You mean Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee?" How I knew what he meant was frightening to me.


I suspected he heard her remarks about the Jewish religion so I asked .. "You heard her comment about being in a Chinese Restaurant for Christmas like the rest of the Jews?"

"No ... she said that?"

"Yeah. Pretty funny huh?"

" ... hey ... listen ... you think she's a lesbian?"

I didn't see that one coming. "I really haven't thought about it."

Debbie changed the subject. "So Sam ... what have you been doing lately?"

"Nothin' ... we went to Olive Garden ... that was nice. They just took the people who walk ... no wheelchairs ... "


Sam continued. "Oh ... we had a belly dancer too."

"At Olive Garden?"

"No downstairs ... she was some hot broad ... "

We both nodded.

"Joel ... listen ... you remember Chris Owens?"

"The stripper in New Orleans?"

"She is not a STRIPPER. She is an exotic dancer."

"Oh ... excuse me ... the exotic stripper?"

"Joel ... she is NOT a stripper."

"Well ... she's about 90 years old and still on Bourbon Street ... I HOPE she's not a stripper now."

"She's a fine woman. I know her and I know her husband ... he was a cheerleader at Warren Easton with me."

I am not making this up, folks ... he really said it. I had no reply for this one either.

"Well ... Dad ... we really gotta get back to work ..."

"Oh ... well thanks for coming ... good to see you guys."

We exchanged good byes and headed out the door ... behind me I heard ...

"Oh ... Joel .... LISTEN ...."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


We fly Standby.

Remember Standby? It was popular during the layaway - eight track - mimeograph era. Yep .... we fly standby today ... side by side with the poor college students, airline employees and homeless people. We're in the airline employee (retired) line. We're called the "non-revs". That basically means we are freeloaders who hang out at airports looking for hand outs.

Here's how it works:

Step 1: The non-rev checks the computer for possible "space available" flights. This may take up to four hours (if you are my wife). The first challenge is actually getting on the Delta website. I think the ticket agents must have the same challenge based on the lines at the airport and the amount of time it takes them just to type information.

Step 2: Once the information is found, the data is translated into English for the spouse's benefit. For example 101(179) means that 101 seats out of a total of 179 have been booked ... so there is space available for 78 more passengers. Often you see something like this -10(179). That means that the airline has oversold that flight by 10 seats ... hoping that 10 people don't show up. Isn't that special? Can you imagine another company doing that ... for example taking your money for a new television set and selling yours twice hoping you won't really pick it up?

Step 3: Listing your name(s) on the standby list. This just requires you to place your names on the computer so that when you get to the airport you will be in the standby queue. Our flights are usually at 6 in the morning or at midnight. Those are the only flights that usually have space available.

Step 4: Arriving at your gate. This is the most interesting step of all. When you arrive at the gate you check the monitor for your name. It's actually your initials ... like ... mine would be MOM for Momberg. If there was a Momaluke on standby as well I guess I would have to ask the agent ... but that hasn't happened to me yet.

Step 5: Getting pissed off. Once you check the monitor and find that the flight that you just checked the night before on the computer ... which had 78 seats available ... is now oversold by 10 and there are 45 standbys ahead of you in the queue ... you calmly approach the gate agent with the logical question: "What happened?" The gate agent calmly ignores your question and instead says "Step away from the counter and check the monitor for updates. If we can't get you on this flight, we will automatically put you on the next available flight."  Now you are officially pissed. The next flight might be a week from Tuesday.

Step 6: Finding a seat. Pleasantly surpised ... you actually get a seat on the same flight that was overbooked. Does this mean the monitor was wrong? Or perhaps the computer had an error? Or the bitch at the gate didn't know what the hell she was talking about (you just pray she gets the same treatment when she travels as a non-rev ... by the way). Either way ... you get on. It's a middle seat right next to the toilet ... but you made it ... to Las Vegas ...

and it's only a 4 hours and 50 minute flight !!!! 

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Vegas: Fashion Capital of the US

I'll be the first to admit it. I am not a fashion plate.

Yeah, yeah ... big surprise to those who know me. I don't know a Jimmy Choo from a tobacco chew. But I DO know this: Jimmy Choo can really make CFMs for women. For those unfamiliar with CFMs ... Ask around. Or ... Come to Vegas. Every young girl (and old girl for that matter) has on shoes that look like the ones on the left. The shoes ... of course ... are just part of the total wardrobe.

But let's start at the beginning ...

When you check in at any of the ten thousand hotels in Vegas ... the women in line look like this.

Somehow ... at night ... either an entirely new group of women have checked in, or, the same women who were in the lobby in the afternoon have gone to see their surgeons and their fashion coordinators for EXTREME makeovers.

Wait a minute ... I think I did see these two in line at registration!

Sometimes ... fashion is dictated by alcohol consumption.

Thank heaven that What Happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas. Some things NO ONE wants to know about ... even if you don't know the person who it happened to ...

Yes ... Vegas is the fashion capital of the US. And the capital for ... well ... just about everything else.

I love this place.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Where in the World are We?

"Let's look for flights ..."

I said this to my wife yesterday. Being the great planners that we both are ... we were talking about going away for July 4th weekend. It was only a day away ... plenty of time.

"Where should we go?" She asked.

"Well ... we could go visit the kids."

"Nikki is working all weekend at the hospital and Alissa has plans for the fourth."

"Okay ... then we'll go somewhere else."


"I don't know where do you want to go?"

"Um ... wherever you want to go."

"Maybe somewhere we haven't been."

"Any ideas?"

"Ummmmmm ...."

No ... I won't bore you with the rest of our 2 hour dialogue of "I dunno". We went back and forth ... looked up everything we could think of on the computer ... even looked at a map and just pointed to general areas in the US. Crazy stuff ... Debbie retired from Delta Airlines about 5 years ago ... so we can fly for free anywhere in the world. People would kill for that! We can't even decide where to go. When we do ... of course ... there is no space available and we spend all day at the airport until we can find a flight with seats.

So we decided this morning to go to our (my) favorite city once again ... Las Vegas ... on Southwest Airlines.

Makes perfect sense ... right?

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...