Skip to main content


Showing posts from January, 2012

Do You Perform?

Sammy broke his hip this morning.

"The TV screen was lit up when I woke up at three in the morning," Sammy told me. "I went over to get the clicker (which was next to the TV set). I turned it off and I ... fell right on my ass."

I looked at Sammy as he lay in his ER bed, telling me the story. He looked so frail, so vulnerable, so scared ... I was really hit with the fact that he was 90 years old and won't have him around forever.

Just then a nurse came in and opened the computer terminal by his bed. "Sam ... I have some questions for you. First ... where do you live?"

"Menorah Manor ... nice place ... I love it. You know the other day there was a girl in my bed (uh oh ... here comes the old Sammy). She was ... naked ... so I said if I paid you ... would you get out of my bed?"  

There was nervous laughter from the nurse. I shook my head. As usual ... Sammy told a joke that he had totally screwed up and had no idea what the punchline really…


This is Part 2 of the Mensa Invitational Contest (see Part OneBlame it on my GLIBIDO)

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing ad…

Permission to Come Aboard ... Mayor?

Gasparilla is today.

It's the Tampa celebration of the legend of Jose Gaspar and his band of pirates as they "reenact" the invasion of Tampa and get the Key to the City from the Mayor. It's also a chance for the city fathers to dress as pirates, shoot guns (not real ones ... thank God), throw beads and get drunk (we need a day for that?). And a chance for their wives to dress as female pirates (who also resemble other "working girls"), throw beads and also get drunk.
I took this shot as the Pirate Ship landed at the Convention Center.

Here are some more Gasparilla shots:
Civilian Momberg munching on a hot dog as pirates surrounded the city. One of the many signs of the Tampa Mensa Chapter's handiwork. The clever balloon pirate fooling an unsuspecting captive as he fashions balloon handcuffs. Don't know this pirate couple but suspect he is CEO of some downtown business and she runs a large advertising agency ... just a guess. They both might just be out …

Blame it on my "Glibido"

Here's a funny for you. This was sent to me last week in an email.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: …

On Sunday We ... ROCKED

If you haven’t seen Million Dollar Quartet … see it.
I should have said if you haven’t HEARD Million Dollar Quartet… hear it! Both the music and the musicians are superb. The guy who played Jerry Lee Lewis was unbelievable.They were all very good … but he was by far the best.
The theater was “Off-Broadway” … New World Stages ... the perfect venue … small and intimate with a kick ass sound system.
Oh, I almost forgot … there was a pre-show concert behind us. I thought it was part of the show because I've never heard anything like this in an audience before.A lady in the very last seat of the back row went nuts.She screamed to her husband/partner/embarrassed seatmate.

Now, I have been known to exaggerate (Surprised, huh?). Truly … I have not done so here. She screamed ... screamed for a good 5 minutes until she finally shut up and sat down without another sound.
I think her …

Who Needs Craig's List?

This morning the weather changed from cold to "freezing your butt off".

I took these pictures from the window of our hotel room. The left side was yesterday morning ... the right side was this morning.

Snow. Beautiful snow.

Until we went outside ... then it was just slush and ice and we were slipping and sliding down Times Square.

We met up with Alissa at a brunch place called Laconda Verde. Cool place ... we ordered palenta waffle, zucchini frittata, lemon curd pancakes ... it was delicious.

Looked for the owner, Robert De Niro, but he didn't show. Can you believe it?    

We visited a museum this afternoon that was really extraordinary. You can only see it in New York.

The Tenement Museum is located on Orchard Street in the heart of the old garment district. The last owner of this building kept it fairly close to what it was like over 100 years ago when immigrant families lived and worked there.

We took the Sweatshop Tour (the era of the Jewish garment workers).

Harry Le…

Mona Lissssa

We are in New York visiting middle daughter Alissa.

It was pretty... pretty cold today.  So cold ... that after we took this picture, it took three people to put my arm down to my side. Later that afternoon, I put on mittens and a hat. I looked dorky and very warm.

By the way, Alissa works right on this block.

She took a break so that we could eat in a little Mediterranean restaurant. We dined on felafel and lamb and pita and hummus and other stuff that makes you want to belly dance. Fortunately for the other diners ... I resisted the urge.

While we were sitting there in the restaurant, I snapped this picture of Alissa

Take a look:
Pretty cool huh? Because of the uncanny resemblance, we now call her Mona Lissa.

Sammy's Missing Ball

Sammy had a major problem today.

"One of my balls is gone." He said as he stepped out of the car and leaned on his walker outside of Bob Evans Restaurant.

"That's a real problem, Dad. Are you in pain?"

"What? No ... I lost my tennis ball. See?"

Sure enough ... Sam was one ball short on his walker which  kinda leaned to the right. But he seemed okay walking with it. Once in a while a spark or two would flash from the back leg on the sidewalk. But other than that ... he managed fine.

We saw a couple that we knew leaving the restaurant as we were putting our name on the list at the hostess station. We made the introductions.

Debbie ...  "Sammy, these are friends of ours, John and Donna ... and this is Sam ... Joel's Dad."

Sam ... "Nice to meet you. This is my son, Joel."

John ... (smiling) "We know Joel."

Sam ... "Yeah? I didn't know that. So ... what do you do?"

John ... "Well I'm a lawyer now ...…

Water Water Everywhere

Does anybody really LIKE soft water?

My wife, Debbie, does. She claims lots of other people do. I've never met these people (other than her twin Dennie). If you live in a city that has it ... you probably don't have a choice.

We have a choice ... and guess which one we chose.

Why? Because apparently soft water is pretty close to miraculous. Soft water (which is treated to remove all natural minerals) is credited by the water treatment companies for making your clothes cleaner, extending the life of your plumbing and reducing the spots on your glasses.

Debbie also refills her holy water bottle with it ... so my guess is that she believes it will protect her from evil.

Truth is ... after you shower with it, you feel oily and slimy and need to take another shower. Plus the floor of the shower is so slick ... you could easily trip and kill yourself in it. It tastes bad too. Soft water is high in sodium ... so it tastes salty.

Speaking of sodium ... recent studies show that hard w…

Words With Friends

I have a new obsession: Words With Friends

Not so new .... more like 6 months of friendly competition with fellow scrabble nerds on my iphone locked in offensive and defensive letter arrangements.

Never heard of it?

Well ... Alec Baldwin helped make it a household name when he refused to stop playing on a flight a month or so ago.

I understand.

You just can't be distracted by trivial things like landing an airplane and protecting lives. This is much more critical. You cannot afford to lose concentration and forget that possible game winning word like qi or za or jo.

It could be a matter of life or death.

Today, there was a Words With Friends piece on CNN (the world's expert on important news matters). Beth from Michigan or Minnesota or Maryland ... one of those M states ... has been playing WWF for about a year with Georgie who lives in Australia. They developed a friendship through a "random" player game and became fast friends.

One day ... Simon (Georgie's hub…

Who (Was) Dat?

It's been a couple of days and I'm just now coming out of a DEEP depression.

What happened to my football team? The unstoppable Tigers? Where was The Honey Badger?

I want LSU back ... who dat on the field?

In case you didn't see it, Jeremy Shelley kicked five field goals and Trent Richardson broke a 34-yard touchdown run late in the fourth quarter as No. 2 Alabama beat No. 1 LSU 21-0 on Monday night – the first shutout in BCS title game history. LSU didn't get past the 50 yard line until late in the fourth quarter.

Okay, thanks for listening to my rants  ... I needed to get that off my chest.

Jake and Elwood Blues

"The Blues Brothers? Never heard of them."

That's what Madeline Snyder said. She's the talented medical student who put together an amazing talent show/fundraiser last night for USF's Morsani College of Medicine. She's in her 20s ... John Belushi died 30 years. So it's understandable she didn't know about them. (My kids know all about them ... but then again ... they had a traumatic childhood listening to Dad pound out obscure songs.)  

Dean Steve Klasko and I "performed" the Blues Brothers' Soul Man and I Don't Know. Apologies to Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi (who was probably rolling in his grave) for destroying whatever memories those over 40 had. 

I would have shown other pictures here ... but Debbie apparently filmed the entire show without once pressing the record button.

Colleen, Steve's wife, sent this shot. It was right before Steve did a cartwheel ... I think that's what you would call it. He took out the stage man…

Five Rules to Remember in Life

Can't take credit for these ... but I subscribe to the message.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemies but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.

Day 6 ... The Looooooong Ride Home

It was just too perfect: Business Class, our hotel (a little small ... but so comfortable), the great food, the great company ... our New Years' Eve ...

It was bound to happen. And, of course, when it all fell apart ... it was old faithful: Delta Airlines.

This morning ... as we checked out of the hotel, we ran into an old friend of USF someone that I have recently gotten to know. Small world ... it was Cliff Gibbons, son of Sam (Gibbons, that is). He and his family were staying at the same hotel ... and ... they were flying stand-by on our flight (his wife works for Delta too).

We exchanged pleasantries and business cards and hurried into taxis to get to the airport.

A cold chill went down my back as I reached into my pocket to find that I was missing a very important item ... my passport. Debbie calmly said that we should unpack everything quickly and make sure it wasn't in one of my other pockets. She also gave me the evil eye and said ..."Hmmm. If I forgot MY passpor…