Sunday, October 31, 2010

The DC I Forgot

I was reminded the other day that my trip to DC had other "interesting moments" I forgot to share.

Alissa ran in The Army Race on the Sunday I was there. I thought she either enlisted or was dating a soldier ... kinda unusual for her to run in a race for the Army, you know? Turned out it was neither. She just did it with friends for fun. She placed 10,177th which was pretty good considering there were over 20,000 that ran. I would have placed 30,056th.

She texted me (that's how we communicate) to meet her at a restaurant on one of those letter streets (P or Q or something) and about 17th when they finished running. I waited outside for her group to arrive, when she actually called me to say:

" Dad ... have you gone inside yet?"

" No, honey ... just standing by the front door."

" My friends told me that the restaurant is ... um ... Gay ... "

" I figured it out when I read the sign."

" Are you going to be ..."

" Gay? No I don't think so ... but I am hungry so hurry up."

We all wound up sharing the big gay brunch together ... when Alissa and her friends arrived.

One of her friends apparently had bled from the nipples during the race (forgot to wear his bandaids) and was telling other stories about his numerous medical problems ... the best was his gerd when he drank Bloody Marys. He was only 25 or so and his preoccupation with blood and disease was a great addition to brunch.

He had a girlfriend who was either Cuban or related to a Cuban or smoked cigars ... I can't remember. But he did say that he came home one day to find a 5 year old Elian Gonzalez clone on his sofa that didn't speak English and has been there ever since.

Apparently his girlfriend disappeared.

After lunch we strolled down to the Red Onion Record Store. It was filled with old LPs that brought back so many memories. At the counter there was a young kid with headphones on ... made me think of that movie with John Cusak and Jack Black ... "Hi Fidelity". You remember the one where he and the staff knew every record ever made and would make lists of things like the top ten list of all time make-out songs or the top ten list of rock songs from dead singers?

I felt like I was in the movie until I picked up a Johnny Winters album and asked the clerk if he had any more like this.

He said, "Wow ... was he an albino?"

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Separated at Birth

Election Day is Tuesday.

In case you Floridians need more information about some of the candidates, I've done additional research and have uncovered some family photos that may be of interest.

Alex Sink and Mike Myers

Charlie Crist and George Hamilton

Marco Rubio and Spanky

Rick Scott and Freddie Krueger

Monday, October 25, 2010

Weekend in DC

Here I sit at the Reagan Airport among the masses who await for the plane to Tampa.

I just left my wonderful daughter, Alissa ... I say wonderful because it aggravates her brother and sister to no end. They think she's my favorite ... just because I call her the "perfect child". (See entry on 12/23/09)

Can you believe it?

Actually, I call all my kids wonderful ... And they are.

But ... Alissa truly was the perfect child. Her mom called her that too. She was the kid who always slept through the night, was always calm, loving and found humor in every situation. She was the only one of my kids who watched Mel Brooks movies with me, laughed at Woody Allen ... and yes .... laughed at my jokes, too. Okay ... I admit it. Laugh at my jokes and you're pretty close to perfect in my book.

She lives in DC now and I spent this past weekend with her.

Of course the place is swimming in tourists. You can spot them a mile away. They have kids hanging off each arm, cameras around their necks and that lost look in the Metro as they try to figure out the ticket machine. I tried to look like I really lived in DC. I thought I really blended until the homeless guy, who I passed last night heading to my hotel, screamed at me to give him money so he could eat ... and then growled an obscenity when I ignored him. The dead give away was when I actually apologized for being a sonofabitch.  A true native would have somehow turned invisible.

Lots of dogs in DC. Most are tiny and most are walked by men. Other men are sometimes walked by men as well. It's a friendly place.

This weekend ... we mostly ate. I can't get over how many restaurants there are in DC. Seems like every other building is a restaurant and none are the same. Indian, Mexican, Lebanese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Biafran, Samoan ... if you're from somewhere ...there's a restaurant from your area of the world.

Everyone eats outside, too. Even if there are only benches and no tables .... there are diners balancing their spring rolls and fighting with their chopsticks to make it work. Eating is an all day affair. Any time of day, you'll find these places packed.

Does anyone work here?

At one restaurant, I told the waitress that I had just read a bad review about the chicken pot pie. I didnt want to upset her ... But I thought she might want to know if they hadn't seen it ... Plus it was pretty funny ... The review said "the chicken pot pie tastes like feet".

"Oh my," she said. "We are known for our delicious pot pie."
"Well then ... all the more reason you might want to know about this review."

She took it to heart ... even got the manager as we were finishing our main course and getting to our dessert (I had steak .... didn't want to chance the pot pie).

"I want you to try the pot pie." he said.
"No thanks, really appreciate it but I just finished a steak. Delicious by the way."

Just then, the owner came up. "Did you try the pot pie yet?"
"No ... I'm sure it's delicious too. I know it probably doesn't taste at all like feet."
"Really ... I insist."

The manager appeared with a plate of pot pie filling and put it right next to the brownie and ice cream. He stayed as I tasted it ...."Mmmm ... "I said. "This is really special. Thank you."

Unfortunately I had tasted the brownie right before the pot pie ... it tasted just like feet.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oh Give Me A Home ... stead

The Homestead is a beautiful thing.

The one in Hot Springs, Virginia ... just a tobacco spit away from West Virginia is the one I mean. Truly magnificent, it is the place we stayed last week before traveling to Morgantown for the USF/West Virginia game ... truly NOT magnificent (if you're a Bulls fan).

The Homestead is a sprawling resort that was built in 1750 ... just before I was born ... and has been visited by many presidents. George Washington apparently visited when he was 22 and was one of the many who enjoyed the mineral springs that this area is famous for. Unfortunately, George also brushed his teeth in the springs which later contributed to the reasons that he eventually wore his famous wooden false teeth.

Sam Snead was probably one of the most famous residents of the area. There are three championship golf courses that challenge even the best golfers. Sam designed them on rolling hills with treacherous traps. Another interesting thing that Sam developed on these courses is that you could only complete the course if you periodically jumped in the air while singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Sam's name is on everything in town. He's got a restaurant, a street, a few houses that he lived in and at least three different grave sites where he was buried.

There was one activity that was offered at the resort. If you look at the website (I kid you not!) it says ADULT trout fly fishing. Now, I missed this opportunity but I wondered during the whole trip if that meant that you fish for adult trout, or if the trout was just catch able by adults ... or if there was some kinda R Rated activity associated with fly fishing at the Homestead.

There was a bowling alley on property. Debbie and I bowled a game and hit 128 ... okay bad enough that the score was low ... that was our combined score. The lane had antiquated equipment and manual scoring ... so I'm sure that contributed to our failure as bowlers. Nixon didn't have that problem when he bowled here (on the same lanes I'm sure).

There are hundreds of miles of trails as well. We picked a beautiful day to hit the south trail ... until the thunder rumbled and we scooted back to the hotel. If anyone wants to hire us as rainmakers ... we work cheap. Just tell us to try an outdoor activity and I will guarantee the sky will open.

The town is pretty small. There are about three buildings (in addition to the Sam Snead residences). Bruce (sorry ... don't know his last name) is the mayor, the justice of the peace, the town sheriff and he owns the only Laundromat (he spells it with an a) in town. For convenience, he built it next to the Chamber of Commerce.

Seriously, it is truly a beautiful place to visit ...

... except for that tiny runway.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Do We Still Have Bathrooms?

To me ... two of scariest words in the English language are home renovations.

The TV show, Extreme Makeover, took renovations to a whole new level. In 60 minutes (well ... probably more like 38 with commercials) they completely transform a lousy looking house, hide it, then scream out ... MOVE THAT BUS and ... voila ... a new mansion. Do you believe it? Yeah? Well ... YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY NEVER BEEN THROUGH HOME RENOVATIONS. Trust me a more accurate description would be:

"A time when life, as you know it, ceases to exist ... until the NEXT home renovation happens."

I admit I'm not the handiest guy on the block with a hammer. Okay ... make that the planet and include any tool you can think of. 

Jews are missing the handyman gene. They hire others who can hammer, staple, glue ... whatever those other jobs are.

We are in the middle of renovations as we speak. Hah! We are in the middle of renovations as we sleep. Debbie is always renovating ... even when I think we have finished. Silly me ... we are NEVER finished.

This time we are adding a porch, closing a porch in, opening up a room to create an office, closing an office, eliminating a bedroom and creating a bedroom. Confused? Talk to Debbie ... she's the only one I know that actually understands what she's doing. I am really just along for the ride. I take it a day at a time. Apparently, we'll have lots more room when we open up a third of the house with minimal furniture while we squeeze what we have into the hallways and already filled garage. 

I just got a new TV set for the living room. Unfortunately,  we apparently will no longer have a living room and the TV set will be in a smaller "game" room with no games in it. We are building a pool though ... it's a little bigger than our bathtub which makes it a floater, I guess.

Anyway .... someday soon (2020) I might be able to actually scream "MOVE THAT BUS

By then ... Debbie will probably put me on it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Why Do You Think It's Called Underwear?

I'm over it. Pants have finally sunk to a new low. When this "trend" started a few years ago I thought it wouldn't last.

What do I know?

I saw this guy last night walking down the street with one hand holding his phone and the other holding his pants. I think they were shorts but since they were around his ankles ... who could really tell? He crossed the street in front of me and, even though the light was turning red, he slowed down to make sure everyone (that's me and one other car) saw him as he sauntered in front of us.

I can't believe more "fallout" hasn't happened. You can't really "keep this up" forever. I hope there will be a "drop off" of this fad ... soon. It's got to be "short" lived.

So ... What's the message here? I can't figure out what is being communicated.

Maybe it's ... "I am so tough that my pants are afraid to be close to me?"

I mean really!

For these guys ... there's gotta be the additional concern of safety. How can you possibly keep your gun secure?

Okay, I know what SOME of you are thinking.

I should to be less like the crabby old man who stands in the middle of the street and screams at motorists to slow down ... and more tolerant with these new trends.

Well ... Forget it!

Gimme the good old days when pants fit where they were supposed to.


Saturday, October 2, 2010

Might As Well Laugh

The "celebrity" stories that made me smile this week:

Snooki ... I'll admit I had no idea what a Snooki was ... but I learned that a Snooki is fairly illiterate, lives in New Jersey and has friends with lifelong ambitions to have similar skin colors (about the same shade of Miami's football uniforms). Snooki is WRITING A NOVEL. Need I say more?

Rod Blagojevich ... I love this guy. Former Illinois Governor arrested, and indicted on 24 counts of federal corruption charges including a few pay to play schemes to place key "players" in office. He is appearing in NEW YORK AS A PANELIST TO DISCUSS "TRUST".

Justin Bieber ... he's 16 years old and has the teenage version of Blagojevich hair. His fans range in age ... from about 8 to 10 years old. There were tears and screams from coast to coast when BIEBER KISSED (I kid you not) HIS CHILDHOOD GIRLFRIEND.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi ... they are on some bizarre TV series called Real Housewives of DC  because their claim to fame is as party crashers at the White House. Now they are threatening to SUE ANY ONE WHO USES THAT DEFAMATORY PHRASE AGAIN. Wait a minute ... that IS what created them as celebrities ...right? They ARE PARTY CRASHERS.

Uh oh ... I better call my lawyer.

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...