Monday, January 25, 2016

Momberg for Prez

I've decided to run for President.

Don't worry. I'm not going to win, and even if some miracle I did ...and I survive being struck 5 times by lightning ... I probably won't serve. I just want to walk around with the hair for a while: The Trump hair.

By the way, I DO have a campaign platform that I will promise to achieve. It's simpler and much better than Donald's or Hillary's or Bernie "Larry David" Sander's. It's better because it is what people really want, and let's face it ... if they don't I really don't care because it's what I want (works for The Donald right?):

1. I will do nothing Presidential.

That's right. Be not afraid voters, I know that I have no idea how to run a country. I know nothing about all the intricacies of foreign policy. And I can't fathom how to get the House and Senate to play nice.

So ... unlike these other candidates who have all the answers and will undoubtedly make things worse, I'm willing to let the people who head up the military and the House and the Senate and the foreign service do their thing. What's the worst thing that can happen? They screw it up?

2. I won't live in the White House.

Are you kidding? All those people who come in and out all day checking out your office and your bedroom and steal silver and try on your underwear? OH YES THEY DO. It's just not reported.

No way, I'd live on some cool island. We have the internet, people. And cell phones. If somebody blows somebody up or Donald shoots a voter on Park Avenue ... nobody cares. Anyway, I can call the whole world on the telephone and they will take my call. I'm the President.

3.  I will only meet with people that have a brain or I like.

Life is too short to hang out with people you don't like. Those people will still do whatever they want whether they meet with me or not. Smart people are more interesting and because I'm President, I automatically fall into that category whether I'm interesting or not. So ... I could call Billy Joel and ask him to show me couple of licks on the piano. Or I could have Peyton Manning come over to play catch. Or I could host SNL. Or I could have dinner with Kate Upton or Sophia Vagara ... I'm sure both are great conversationalists. Debbie? She won't mind ... she'll be dining with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Know what? Maybe this President gig isn't too bad. And then when you serve your term and  become a former president you are suddenly much more popular and wealthy than when you took office. Crazy huh?

All I need is a billion dollars to start ... anybody know how I can reach Michael Bloomberg?


Monday, January 18, 2016


We all play games, right?

Maybe golf is yours, or bowling, or baseball, or soccer ... we play to win. Sure, you might kid yourself and say that the games you play are for relaxation or just for the sport of it. But the object is to beat your opponent or beat the system.

There are exceptions.

Let's take marriage games, for example. There are no real winners and losers and if there are ... no one talks about it later. These games are not much different than the ones you played when you were a kid. I picked a few and "adulterized" them.

1.Twenty Questions

Remember this one? You keep asking questions until you figure out what the other person is thinking:

"Did you hear about Bob and Jane?"
"Do you remember when we saw them last week at the party?"
"Didn't you think they were acting weird?"
"You never pick up on things. Didn't you notice her ring?"
"Sheesh. She didn't have one on."
"Okay? What does that usually mean?"
  "She lost it?"
"Guess again."
  "Okay, Okay... they are having marital problems."
"WHAT? NO ... I didn't know that! And I thought it was weight gain. I just heard she was pregnant!"

2. Clue

The object is to find clues and ask questions until you figure it out:

"Do you have something to tell me?"
  "Um ... I don't know. Is there a subject?"
"I found this hundred dollar bill in your pants pocket when I took them to the cleaners."
  "Oh good. Thanks for doing that."
"So ... it IS yours?"
  "Yes. I assume so if it was in my pocket."
"Do you know what else I found?"
  "Another hundred dollar bill?"
"No. I found a slot machine ticket as well."
  "I must have forgotten to cash it out."
"So you know what that means?"
  "Yes. Yes ... I'm guilty ... I was there ... unless ...  IT WAS COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE CASINO WITH THE SLOT MACHINE!"

3. Monopoly

This is of course the game of real estate where you buy houses, hotels and pay up when you step onto someone else property.

Property is the subject of many of our conversations because it's the business that Debbie is in and personal renovations have been a part of our life for many years, as well:

"Okay ... (spreading out the tile colors on the counter) we have to pick out a tile color today so they can order it."
  "That one looks good."
"Really? Of all these that's the one you like?"
  "Want me to pick another one?"
"No. If that's what you like then that's the one we will get."
  "I can really live with any of these. They all are kind of beige anyway."
"Beige? None of these are beige."
  "What about this one?"
"Egg shell."
  "This one?"
"Cosmic latte."
  "Cosmic what?"
"And this is fawn, this is tuscan, this is buff, this is ecru ..."
  "All right ... which one do you like."
"Unbleached silk."
  "Fine ... let's go with Unbleached silk."
"Are you just saying that?"
  "No ... no ... that's the best of all of them."
"I'm so glad you agree with me."
  "Do I get to pass GO?"

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...