Skip to main content

Yo!


Last night we played a home version of the Newlywed Game.

Bruce N. (or as he's called in Jersey: "Da Naz") and his wife Maria invited three couples to their condo for lasagna and gaming: Debbie and I ... my brother- in- law Tom "the Joker" and Debbie's twin Dennie ... and Aldo and Cecelia. It's really impossible to give Aldo a nickname ... he defies description in less than 150 words.

The first round of questions were for the guys ... so the girls headed to the bedroom. Bruce passed out our personalized official paper plates and pens. He read 4 questions which were supposed to be answered "quietly" ... a word that is not in Aldo's vocabulary.

1.  What is the thing that you do that annoys your wife the most?
(Aldo: "Oh man I got this f-ing answer. There is no f-ing way we won't win this game.")
2.  What is the thing your wife does right before she goes to sleep?
(Aldo: "Hey! There's another easy f-ing one. I am taking you two down!")
3.  What is your wife always in control of?
(Aldo: "Oh f-k ... everything, man. How am I supposed to answer this f-ing question. Okay ... okay ... I got it.")
4. When your wife drives the car with you in it ... what's the first thing you do?
(Aldo: "I get out of the f-ing car. That's what I do. What the f-k do you do?")

I'm sure there were other comments but not nearly as loud or as funny as Aldo's. Bruce occasionally reminded Aldo to "shut the f-k up and write his f-ing answers down". That's Jersey for, "Aldo, no talking please."

The girls returned, took their places next to us as Bruce read from each of our paper plates. Question number one was an easy one for Cecelia ... Drinking. "Badaboom!" Aldo had the first point. Dennie and Tom missed by a mile but Debbie hit a bullseye ... Picking his nose! "Yes!" We had a point. Aldo glared at me.

Question two:

Cecelia: "The first thing that I do .... um ... I take off my makeup and cream my skin."
Aldo: "NAW! That is not the first f-ing thing you do Cecelia. C'mon ..."
Bruce: "Okay ... Aldo said that you (reading) run and play ... "
Aldo: "I f-ing said READ AND PRAY."
Bruce: "Oh yeah. Your handwriting sucks Aldo .... Read and pray ... no points."
Aldo: "Sh-t Cecelia how could you not get that."

Dennie and Tom were again a mile off. I think Tom said "wash up" and Dennie said "talk on the phone". But Tom added ... that could be a full time job ...  anyway he went to sleep three hours before her so he wouldn't know. Interestingly enough, Debbie and I were right in sync. She said "wash my face and brush my teeth". "Bingo."

Aldo: "Wait a f-ing minute. He's ahead of me? No f-ing way. Cecelia ... you better get this next one."

Debbie and I missed the next two ... so did Tom ... and Aldo got one of them correct ... so we were tied. I was relieved. If I beat Aldo, there might have been two wise guys on my doorstep at midnight asking me if I like to swim with the fishes.

It was the girls' turn ... so we headed into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, there was a TV on ... playing the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. Aldo gave the play by play: " Now that's what I'm talkin about ... who the f-k cares about this sh-t. Here's some fag in a leotard hanging from the ceiling, dancin around .... awww ... look at that ... what the f-k is that? What f-ing country is that ... Alf-ingbania? They have one athlete ...."

Fortunately he had to go to the bathroom .... but returned a couple of minutes later with a bunch of fake flowers sticking out of his zipper. I won't even tell you the comments on that one.

Round two:

Everybody missed the first two questions: What does your husband do best (in the relationship)? and What does he like about you? The guys took the safe route and answered that we do nothing right and we love everything about the girls. NO POINTS for the game but big points at home.

The third question was ultimately thrown out because Bruce read Debbie's answer to Dennie's response ... something about soft skin ... but by then I was really zoning. There was another about shoes but after Dennie's 65 pair answer ...  I knew I'd never get that one right.

Then the final question which Aldo hit perfectly: What is your wife's bra size? He knew 34C! "Badaboom! We are gonna win this f-ing game suckas."

I had hoped Tom would be next.
Bruce: "Okay ... you two better both answer cause the girls are twins." I hit it high and Tom hit it low. I said C he said A and it was B ... neither of us had a clue.

Aldo was very happy ... he won a Kenny Rogers CD and Tom got plastic handcuffs for being last.

And us? What was our prize? I'll answer like Aldo would have... "We got no f-ing prize but ... we had a great f-ing night with great f-ing friends who share some great f-ing stories and a bottle of great f-ing wine. It was just f-ing great!"

Comments

Chrissy said…
This is hysterical, Joel! Aldo is my friend's "ex" husband exactly! I remember one time they went to dinner in LITTLE ITALY and the restaurant ran out of garlic bread.

"What? No f-in garlic bread? Isn't this a f-in Italian restaurant in Little f-in Italy?" He went on and on...

We still laugh about it.
Anonymous said…
I trust there are no children within a 10 mile radius of one of your get togethers...right? Anyway, thanks for sharing, it was f-ing hilarious!
Anonymous said…
They Lied.....No way they are "B's"....
I'm a sister....I know!

Popular posts from this blog

SAMMY: The Novel (An Overview)

I finished writing Sammy:The Novel. 

So ... I called my good buddy and excellent writer, Dave Scheiber, to help me write an overview to pique the interest of publishers. The stuff that Dave wrote made me want to read my own book! We combined our efforts and here's what we came up with:

SAMMY (An Overview)

Sammy Levine, 86-year-old resident of Star of David nursing home, was not happy with his daily existence and dreamed of taking one last trip with his wife Esther (presently residing in an urn on the third shelf in his room). Sammy was careful about not exposing his plan to anyone, especially his son, Barry, who dutifully visited regularly and tried to make sure that he lived out his remaining days comfortably.

Through a carefully choreographed plan, Sammy managed to access personal information on three recently deceased residents from the nursing home’s computers. Then he applied for and obtained three new credit cards. Armed now with available cash and credit, he loaded up Esth…

Close Call

I was just putting the finishing touches on my new novel, Sammy, which will be available to order in November (shameless self promotion!) ... when I started thinking about some of the characters in my past life. One character I've actually written about in the past just popped into my head. It's a repeat story but I hope you enjoy it ... again.

When I was a Freshman at LSU, our dorm was set up like a suite with two adjoining double rooms and a common kitchen and living room. "Suite" really makes it sound much fancier than it was. Actually, living room makes it sound much fancier than it was. The walls were cinder block and the living room was about 100 square feet. I don't think four of us could even stand up in there at one time.

One of the four guys in our suite was the place kicker for the LSU Tigers. His name was Phil and he was from Bogalusa, Louisiana. He had the bed next to mine. Phil was about 6'8" and weighed well over 300 pounds. He was a big …

Princess Grace's Diary

We surprised our little princess, Grace on Friday with a last minute visit to Savannah. She and her BFF Stella had a joint princess birthday party.

It was of course no surprise to Deb and me that the trip had a few surprises for us, too.

It started out with a light show at the airport (we chose to fly rather than drive the 12 hours back and forth for one day). Lightning strikes were coming fast ... so the tarmac was closed until it settled down. We had to get to Atlanta in time to catch what had become the LAST flight of the night to Savannah at 11:20 PM.

We made it ... barely ... and fell asleep at 2 AM.

Up at 8 and out the door via Uber to The Landings (a mere 45 minute drive) and just in time to see this adorable duo.

Big brother Cole was  one of the "hosts".

Pony rides were there for the guests.

Matching Princess cakes (of course).

Lots of fun.

At about 2, Deb and I headed back to the airport with Nikki driving and made it in PLENTY of time to find out that there were n…