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Last night we played a home version of the Newlywed Game.

Bruce N. (or as he's called in Jersey: "Da Naz") and his wife Maria invited three couples to their condo for lasagna and gaming: Debbie and I ... my brother- in- law Tom "the Joker" and Debbie's twin Dennie ... and Aldo and Cecelia. It's really impossible to give Aldo a nickname ... he defies description in less than 150 words.

The first round of questions were for the guys ... so the girls headed to the bedroom. Bruce passed out our personalized official paper plates and pens. He read 4 questions which were supposed to be answered "quietly" ... a word that is not in Aldo's vocabulary.

1.  What is the thing that you do that annoys your wife the most?
(Aldo: "Oh man I got this f-ing answer. There is no f-ing way we won't win this game.")
2.  What is the thing your wife does right before she goes to sleep?
(Aldo: "Hey! There's another easy f-ing one. I am taking you two down!")
3.  What is your wife always in control of?
(Aldo: "Oh f-k ... everything, man. How am I supposed to answer this f-ing question. Okay ... okay ... I got it.")
4. When your wife drives the car with you in it ... what's the first thing you do?
(Aldo: "I get out of the f-ing car. That's what I do. What the f-k do you do?")

I'm sure there were other comments but not nearly as loud or as funny as Aldo's. Bruce occasionally reminded Aldo to "shut the f-k up and write his f-ing answers down". That's Jersey for, "Aldo, no talking please."

The girls returned, took their places next to us as Bruce read from each of our paper plates. Question number one was an easy one for Cecelia ... Drinking. "Badaboom!" Aldo had the first point. Dennie and Tom missed by a mile but Debbie hit a bullseye ... Picking his nose! "Yes!" We had a point. Aldo glared at me.

Question two:

Cecelia: "The first thing that I do .... um ... I take off my makeup and cream my skin."
Aldo: "NAW! That is not the first f-ing thing you do Cecelia. C'mon ..."
Bruce: "Okay ... Aldo said that you (reading) run and play ... "
Aldo: "I f-ing said READ AND PRAY."
Bruce: "Oh yeah. Your handwriting sucks Aldo .... Read and pray ... no points."
Aldo: "Sh-t Cecelia how could you not get that."

Dennie and Tom were again a mile off. I think Tom said "wash up" and Dennie said "talk on the phone". But Tom added ... that could be a full time job ...  anyway he went to sleep three hours before her so he wouldn't know. Interestingly enough, Debbie and I were right in sync. She said "wash my face and brush my teeth". "Bingo."

Aldo: "Wait a f-ing minute. He's ahead of me? No f-ing way. Cecelia ... you better get this next one."

Debbie and I missed the next two ... so did Tom ... and Aldo got one of them correct ... so we were tied. I was relieved. If I beat Aldo, there might have been two wise guys on my doorstep at midnight asking me if I like to swim with the fishes.

It was the girls' turn ... so we headed into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, there was a TV on ... playing the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. Aldo gave the play by play: " Now that's what I'm talkin about ... who the f-k cares about this sh-t. Here's some fag in a leotard hanging from the ceiling, dancin around .... awww ... look at that ... what the f-k is that? What f-ing country is that ... Alf-ingbania? They have one athlete ...."

Fortunately he had to go to the bathroom .... but returned a couple of minutes later with a bunch of fake flowers sticking out of his zipper. I won't even tell you the comments on that one.

Round two:

Everybody missed the first two questions: What does your husband do best (in the relationship)? and What does he like about you? The guys took the safe route and answered that we do nothing right and we love everything about the girls. NO POINTS for the game but big points at home.

The third question was ultimately thrown out because Bruce read Debbie's answer to Dennie's response ... something about soft skin ... but by then I was really zoning. There was another about shoes but after Dennie's 65 pair answer ...  I knew I'd never get that one right.

Then the final question which Aldo hit perfectly: What is your wife's bra size? He knew 34C! "Badaboom! We are gonna win this f-ing game suckas."

I had hoped Tom would be next.
Bruce: "Okay ... you two better both answer cause the girls are twins." I hit it high and Tom hit it low. I said C he said A and it was B ... neither of us had a clue.

Aldo was very happy ... he won a Kenny Rogers CD and Tom got plastic handcuffs for being last.

And us? What was our prize? I'll answer like Aldo would have... "We got no f-ing prize but ... we had a great f-ing night with great f-ing friends who share some great f-ing stories and a bottle of great f-ing wine. It was just f-ing great!"


Chrissy said…
This is hysterical, Joel! Aldo is my friend's "ex" husband exactly! I remember one time they went to dinner in LITTLE ITALY and the restaurant ran out of garlic bread.

"What? No f-in garlic bread? Isn't this a f-in Italian restaurant in Little f-in Italy?" He went on and on...

We still laugh about it.
Anonymous said…
I trust there are no children within a 10 mile radius of one of your get togethers...right? Anyway, thanks for sharing, it was f-ing hilarious!
Anonymous said…
They Lied.....No way they are "B's"....
I'm a sister....I know!

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