Wednesday, December 21, 2011

They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!

My good friend Marsha sent me a very cool way to differentiate Christmas and Chanukah. Here are the TOP TEN:

1. Christmas is one day ... the same every year. Chanukah is eight craaaazzzzy days and falls on the evening of the 24th of Kislev (whenever that is). Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks them when Chanukah starts (forcing us to look at a calendar so we don't look like complete idiots). There are Jewish calendars that Jews get in the mail ... if you plant a tree in Israel or give to the World Jewish Congress.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays "They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat".

3. Christians give wonderful presents like jewelry, stereos, perfume ... Jews get underwear and socks.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. (Xmas doesn't count). No one has decided on Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Honker .... whatever.

5. Christmas carols are beautiful ... Silent night, Come All Ye Faithful ... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made of clay, having a party or dancing the Hora. Of course ... there is secret pleasure in knowing that many of the beautiful carols were written by MOTs (members of the tribe) and sung by Barbara Streisand or Neil Diamond.

6. Christmas smells are wonderful ... cookies and cakes baking. Chanukah smells like oil and potatoes and onions.

7. Christian parents deliver gifts to their children on Christmas morning. Jews have no qualms about skipping one or more nights.

8. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends ... their partrners expect special gifts. Nobody expects a diamond ring for Chanukah.

9. The Christmas story has players with easy to pronounce names like Mary and Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side we can make all kinds of stuff up and our friends believe we are well versed in history.

10. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews would say ... "Hey Joey, your woman is pregnant and you didn't sleep with her? Now you're gonna say it was The Almighty's fault? Here's the number of my shrink."

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