Saturday, March 24, 2012

Keli-isms

My sister-in-law Keli's birthday was the other day.

I think she still believes that she is 21 ... not because of vanity ... because it's the largest number she knows without using her fingers.

Keli cracks me up. I've written about her before. There was the time she asked me about Jews ...

K ... "Joel .. you know the language that you people use in Israel?"
Me ... " I assume by 'my people' you mean ... the Jews?"
K ... "Yeah ... you know the Yittans ... how is it that they ..."
Me ... "Wait .. Keli ... the Yittans?"
K ... "Uh huh ... the language you use ... it's Yittan. right?"
Me ... "You mean Yiddish?"
K ... "I thought it was Yittan. You remember when I met the ribbi, Jah Kobe? I thought he spoke that."
Me ... "No ... listen. He is a RABBI and his name is JACOB and he probably knows YIDDISH. Keli ... if I were you, I wouldn't speak to anyone about Jews outside of our immediate family."

And the Easter classroom visit she had with her daughters ...

Keli ... "Eight Bunnies, huh? Did you see the eggs?"
Daughter #1 ... "Eggs? What are you talking about?"
Keli ... "Eggs ... you know the things that the bunnies came out of?"


Silence.


Daughter #2 ... "Mom, there weren't any eggs."
Keli ... "Oh yeah? Well, then ... how were the bunnies born?"
Daughter #1 ... "Seriously mom? They have babies like you do."
Keli ... "Well ... um ... I knew that ... I was just testing you ..."
Daughter #1 ... "No you weren't ... you thought they came from eggs."


Later ...


Keli ... "You know when I asked you about the eggs ... here's the thing. Easter baskets have always come with ... what? Eggs and chocolate bunnies ... right? Do you ever see a chocolate chicken in the basket? No. So ... logically you would think that bunnies lay eggs ... right?"


Silence, then ....


Daughter #1 ... "Sure ... when you are 3 years old ... Mom, please don't tell anyone else that, okay?"


Recently, I had to pay a traffic ticket at the Hillsborough County Court Building. I was sure that they had consulted with Keli on the design of their security system.

Here's the EXACT conversation:


"Excuse me sir?" Security man asks me as I put the contents of my pockets into a tray to roll through the scanner. "Are you an attorney?"
"Um ... no." I answered.
"Then you have to take off your belt."


I started to take off the belt and then I stopped ... 


"Wait ... if I was an attorney, I would keep it on?" 
"That's correct sir."
"So ... does that mean that attorneys are ... safer ... less a security risk?"
"No. They pay $75 a year for that privilege."



Keli ... really ... did YOU write that rule for them? 

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