Sunday, September 25, 2011

Bad Things That Are Good For You

Finally there is hope for those of us who have "bad" habits.

I read a great article this morning, "10 Bad Things That Are Good For You". Wish I had this years ago when Debbie told me how most of my habits from years past and present day will shorten my life (either naturally or death-by-spouse).

Not that I feel vindicated ... here's a partial list:

- BEER. That's right ... beer is good for you. Moderate beer intake can actually improve cardiovascular function. For my friends out there: Moderate is when you can button your pants and feel your tongue. And ... unfortunately, I didn't read anything good about chicken wings and dogs.

- ANGER. Go ahead and get it out. When you have finally had enough ... blow up. I'm sure your wife will appreciate this health tip when you tell her that holding it in will make you sick. I should warn you that the side-effects of this could be life threatening and may include choking, savage beatings and perhaps knife throwing (all from your spouse, of course).

- COFFEE. Get this ... coffee is a major source of antioxidants and can help lower your risk of diabetes. Something in the beans is also thought to ease the onset of cirrhosis of the liver and pancreatitis. So I guess what this proves is that you can drink beer the night before to help your heart and then have a jolt in the morning to stabilize your liver ... and after a few more cups ... scream at your co-workers. (I love this list so far)

- LSD. This is my favorite. In heavy drinkers (NOTE: To my friends who wake up in strange towns), small doses of LSD have been thought to bypass the rock bottom stages of alcoholism and prevent relapses. Meanwhile, a study of 36 volunteers who took the drug in a lab setting reported mystical experiences like dating Peter Max and riding in the back seat of a De Lorean searching for some guy named Biff.

- MARIJUANA. Remember when everyone was doing pot and couldn't remember their names? (If my kids are reading this..."You are old enough now to know that daddy ... was ... simply retelling things his friends did.") Well now it's been found to prevent "brain clumping" and actually stave off Alzheimer's. I think that's right ... I can't remember.

- MAGGOTS. Yes ... I think we all know that these disgusting creatures munch on dead tissue and bacteria to help prevent infection. The other day, in fact, I was watching a football game where the quarterback was crushed, his helmet dislodged and there was a gash across his forehead. The trainers rushed out to the field and immediately threw a bucket of maggots on his head. Oh ... you know what ... I take that back. It was the other team's trainers.

- SUNLIGHT. Even though it can burn the hell out of your skin and give you cancer ... our friend the sun has a positive side. In addition to putting you in a good mood, it can also suppress the immune reactions that cause asthma in mice. Wait a minute ... how do scientists find mice with asthma?

They check for tiny inhalers?


Bobby Allan said...

Hey Joel! Happy (?) end of summer. This was so funny!

KathrynWat said...


I'm almost afraid to ask what the cat is clutching in its paws; some kind of marital aid? Or...maybe just a harmless Pez dispenser?

joel said...

Kath ... LOL. That'd be an asthma inhaler.

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