Saturday, June 15, 2019

Part Three: Hip, Hip, Hooray

Home sweet home!

It was SO nice actually sleeping in my own bed (even though my house is unrecognizable with the tons of medical equipment everywhere). Lots to learn when you go through this procedure.

I listened to an interview with Alec Baldwin after he had his hip replaced. He basically said, "You have pain before surgery, then you have pain after surgery and then you have pain in rehab ... basically its a smorgasbord of pain."

I'm in the smorg' part of the smorgasbord.

So here's what they give you at home to help ...

1. A Suck-In Thing (scientific term). This you use 10 times an hour until your lungs clear or you pass out.

The purpose is to prevent pneumonia or respiratory infections (I guess) after surgery. The object is to take slow breaths and fill your lungs while you keep the little blue ball floating in the middle of the handle.

Gives new meaning to "This blue ball thing really SUCKS."

2. Cooling Machine.  This is used to continually ice the surgical site to prevent swelling and reduce pain.

It looks like a holster attached to a loud machine that circulates ice cold water.

Debbie wanted to save money on this one so I think ours came from 7-Eleven and twice a day a blue Slurpee drips out into my lap.

3. Support Hose. A real fashion statement..

To prevent blood clots and swelling, these support stockings are worn for 16 hours a day. One size and one color. No way in hell I could get these on or I'd bust open my sutures, so Debbie has to do this every day.

Yes, to get her to do it, I have to promise I'll do whatever she wants for the rest of my life. Typically, Debbie doesn't curse ... but lately she is speaking in tongues and can now move her head 360 degrees.

4. Compression cuffs. Also used to prevent clots and reduce swelling, these strap-ons squeeze your calves every few seconds and cut off the circulation to your feet. I'm sure that's a good thing but I don't think that Debbie understands how to use them.

I caught her last night trying to strap them around my throat.

5. The Grabber. My favorite!

This is a tool that picks up stuff that you can't reach and keeps you from bending over. I love to pinch Debbie when she walks by.

Funny thing ... the night I took this picture was the same night she got confused about the compression cuff around my throat.

6. The Walker. Luckily we had two of these that we used as props for my SAMMY book signing.

How depressing that I have finally BECOME my Dad.

.... oh well ... beats the alternative (becoming my MOTHER!)


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