Monday, November 25, 2019

Bowling Is NOT For Sissies

Went bowling the other day.

Yes, you read that correctly. It was actually the first time that Debbie and I had a real "retiree" date in the afternoon.

We were originally headed for a movie, Motherless Brooklyn, but missed the start time. So we needed a plan for an activity until the movie started. I had the brilliant idea to try bowling (since I hadn't picked up a bowling ball since 1986).

So, we drove the car to the classy lanes close to our neighborhood ... the ones that just had the sign "BOWL" on the building. Inside, it was a different world than the bowling alleys I remember.

First stop was, of course, picking up rental shoes. They were black and had velcro straps. No yellow, red and green stripes with laces that were two miles long. I was stunned. They actually fit too.

The young attendant told us we were on lane ten ... easy to find since there was only one other couple bowling and they were on lane twelve. They had all the gear ... shirts, bowling bag, fancy multicolored balls ... we were in trouble.
But ... undeterred we went on the search for our balls.

There were lots of bright colors like yellow and green and orange. I went right past them and found the old school ball in the corner that looked like it had been just cast aside. The Brunswick Crown Jewel. Who cared if the finger holes were off center and too small ... this was MY ball.

Debbie got a red one I think.

Lane ten didn't have any regular seats or the scoring desk that the transparent score sheets sat on with the overhead monitors that you wrote your scores on with the yellow pencils ... remember those?

None of the lanes had them.

There were these little electronic pads that do it all for you. Man ... you can't play an extra frame or write obscenities on the screen or change your scores.

What are we teaching our children these days?

Speaking of obscenities, there were no shortage of them from the couple on Lane 12. Apparently Mr. Tourette was very particular about his technique and pretty vocal whenever he didn't pick up a spare. He bowled on two different lanes and pretty much knocked down his wife if she bowled too slowly.

Wait until he saw us bowl.

I couldn't figure out the buttons on the crazy pads so we just bowled as Player 1 and Player 2. It really didn't matter because we were equal in every aspect: bad footwork, inability to hit the pins and looking like we were going through drug withdrawal as we released the balls. Mr. and Mrs. Tourette were not impressed. Even though they were a couple of alleys down, they waited their turns until we finished ours. I guess our bad form affected theirs and they apparently needed another reason to curse.  Okay, maybe my constant falling into their lane didn't help.

We finished out of the running for top scores of the year. We DID both break 100 though. (and most of the bones in our bodies).

Good times!

Monday, November 11, 2019


I just heard there is a new version of Baby It's Cold Outside recorded by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson. They changed the classic lyrics to make everything politically correct like ...

     The neighbors might think (Baby it's cold outside)
     What will my friends think? (IT'S YOUR BODY AND YOUR CHOICE)

Really? The song is just a funny song about dating but has been bastardised beyond recognition (because of a few bastards like Cosby and Weinstein). Well ... it's not quite there yet so I took liberties. I rewrote all the guy parts after the first verse to make it palatable and more real.

What do you think?


I really can't stay
But, baby, it's cold outside
I've got to go away
But, baby, it's cold outside
This evening has been ...'So very nice
I'll hold your hands they're just like ice

My mother will start to worry 
Actually, you're looking a little pale
My father will be pacing the floor 
If you pass out I will too.
So really I'd better scurry.
Is scurry the same as throw up?
Well, maybe just half a drink more 
Uh, I don't think so.

The neighbors might think.
Yeah they're pretty nosey
Say what's in this drink? 
I don't know you made it.
I wish I knew how to break this spell. 
I'll hold your head you don't look well.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir.
I'll just warm up the car.
At least I'm gonna say that I tried
It's been a "trying" kind of night.
I really can't stay
I heard you ... Baby, just go outside

I simply must go 
I know I know
The answer is no
Are you seeing a therapist
The welcome has been ... So nice and warm 
You've spilled your drink right down my arm 

My sister will be suspicious
The one with the green hair and tattoos?
My brother will be there at the door 
That's cause no one let's him in.
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious
No duh
But maybe just a cigarette more
Four packs aren't enough?

I got to get home
Yes ... I definitely agree.
Say lend me a coat
The one you threw up on?
You've really been grand 
Yeah ... I'm such a real prince.

There's bound to be talk tomorrow 
You got that right.
At least there will be plenty implied
If you're talking murder ... I'm close.
I really can't stay 

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...