Sunday, July 31, 2016

It's a chiweenie!

You learn something new every day.

This morning, we met Alissa and Nate at Locale for lunch. Sitting on Nate's lap was their little dog, Riley who is always happy to see new people. 

"Guess what Nate did." Alissa said as we pulled up chairs. 


"He did a DNA test on Riley."

"Really," I said as I stifled a laugh. "Did it confirm that she was a dog?"

"Yes it did."

Alissa added, "You should have seen him Dad. He swabbed her mouth and everything. "

"So seriously Nate. Why did you want to do a DNA test? To find out who the father is?"

Nate laughed. "No ... But I did find out she is part chihuahua and part dachshund."

"She's a chiweenie!" Alissa said. 

That explains the accent!

I Really Don't Care

Last night Deb and I went to dinner downtown. Deb's twin Dennie was there with husband Tom, along with good friends Ray and Jeri.

We got this enormous table in the back surrounded by cushions. Girls on one side and guys on the other. The table had to be 8 feet wide and 12 feet long. We had to text each other to have a conversation. 

As the night went on, there were common themes. The women talked about how the guys didn't pay attention when they had stories to tell and the guys countered with how confusing their stories were. It was all lighthearted until Debbie  dropped the bomb ... 

"Well my husband takes the prize when I start to tell him a real estate story. He did it just the other day. He stopped me in the middle of my story and said ... Debbie I really don't care." 

Dennie and Jeri glared at me saying ..."How could you say that ... That's terrible..." 

Tom and Ray high fived me and called me their hero. (Until Ray noticed Jeri glaring at him too. He countered with "I would never say that honey.")

I tried to lighten things by saying that I was being a smart ass and was just kidding but the girls were having no part of that. (Tom kept whispering ..."How did you say that again? I gotta remember that.)

Later that night as Debbie was telling her third real estate story Dennie looked at me and said "Do you find this boring ... because we think her stories are very interesting." 

Tom said ... "We really don't care!" ( he didn't really say that. I just said it in my mind. I think he did too but we were all too scared to say anything by that point)

Monday, July 25, 2016

A Fractured Fairy Tale (Don and Hill make plans)

Okay ... I rarely get political but the last few weeks I've had Convention Hangover so I just had to write a little pretend story that might have set the stage for our two candidates:

Trump Boardroom (2013) 
Donald Trump leans across his desk. "Say ... Paul (Manafort) ... I'm going to be President of the United States."

"Sure you are Mr. Trump".

"Seriously. I figured out how to do it. It's easy." Trump sits back in his kingly board chair and clasps his fingers together. "Paul ... What do people really want."

"Um ... To be happy?"

"No not really. They want to tell inappropriate jokes about minorities and not apologize for it."

"I think there's more to life than that."

"Not for those people. And those people make up the majority of people in our country. I'm the guy that can give them that!"

"With all due respect Mr. Trump I think that being president is a little more complicated."

"I don't think so. It's just like on the Apprentice. People love seeing me get people in the boardroom, listen while they tear each other apart, then I pick out the weakest ones and fire them. The rest love me until next week."

"Is that the plan for the presidency?"

"Pretty much." He pauses. "Except for one important element."

"Which is?"

"We need a villain. Maybe a few villains. We had Amarosa ... Remember how we got everyone to despise her? It was perfect. Once you create a villain you can do whatever you want and people will still love you if you fight the villain. Why I could shoot someone on 5thAvenue and still get votes. Hey ... I might use that."

"Where will you get the villain?"

"I'll pick one out of the candidate pool. Maybe I'll make them all villains."


Meanwhile at the Clinton Headquarters Hillary Clinton paces back and forth. "Robby (Mook) ... I'm going to be President of the United States."

"I know, Mrs. Clinton. You have said that for years."

"No Robby. I mean now!"

"Great. What's the plan?"

"Simple. I will clearly delineate my platform so that the people will know I'm the logical choice."

"Well ... As your chief advisor I should honestly tell you that the people don't exactly ... Um ... "

"Like me? Trust me? I know."

"So what's the strategy to deal with that?"

"Simple Robby. We will find the person who is even more untrustworthy and scarier than me on the Republican side ... And help get him nominated."

"Who could we get?"

"Donald Trump!"

"Haha. Brilliant! But wait ... Seriously? Do you really think he could be the Republican nominee?"

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Condo Madness

Last night I was driving back from Tampa and Debbie called me.

"Bruce was just on the phone with me and he wants our combination to the lock so he can latch the door ...."

"Okay ... wait ... Bruce? Who is Bruce and what door are we talking about?"

"Sorry. Bruce lives below us at the beach condo and apparently the workmen left the door to the supply closet unlatched when they were sandblasting the floors and now it's banging against the railing so he wants me to give him our front door combination so he can go into our unit and close it."

"I don't even know Bruce. Was he the guy who came upstairs when Lee and her friends were staying there to tell them they were too noisy when they moved the furniture?"

"Yep he's the one. Actually it was Bruce's wife. She gave Lee those little adhesive furniture feet cushion things to put on the chairs."

"Nazis! No I don't want him to go into our condo without us. I'll drive over there now and do it myself."

I was steaming at this point.

It took about 45 minutes to get there and I practically goose stepped up the stairs to our condo unit. (Goose step being the operative phrase). I keyed in our code and practically ran to the porch to find the closet door ... Latched!

That's right. It was latched! Locked and NOT swinging against the railing. I called Deb and told her about that rotten *#*#!! neighbor who had me drive all the way over there ... that's okay ... I'll tell him myself.

I went down to their condo unit and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. I BANGED ON THE DOOR ...

A little frail lady came out wearing the biggest earphones I ever saw in my life. She peeked through an opening in her screen door.

"Hi. I'm your neighbor from upstairs. Is ... um ... Bruce here?"

"Oh no ... he isn't here now."

"Are you Bruce's wife?"

"Yes". Her eyes were like big saucers and the headphones now rested on her shoulders.

"Well ... I just checked on the door that Bruce called my wife about and it is latched."

"Yes ... we know."

"You know?"

"Oh heavens yes. We called the construction company and they climbed up on the scaffolding to lock it up. It made such a racket."

"Did you know that I was coming?"

"Oh yes."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"We did."

"I mean to tell me that you already called the construction company."

"I don't really know."      

I just stood and stared for a few seconds and finally said thank you ... I think ... I didn't know what else to say. Poor thing would have had a heart attack if I said what I wanted to say.

Monday, July 4, 2016

England Epilogue

Of course I couldn't leave England with having one interesting airline story.

My seat mate was a nice lady who was interested in talking to me throughout our 9 hour flight to Tampa!

"Do you know how to work this TV set?"
"Sure" I gave her an extensive lesson on using the remote. 

Ten minutes later ...
"I can't get this to fast forward. I accidentally hit rewind"
" Hit this button. See ... It says fast forward."
"Will you do it?"
"Um ... Okay." 
"Wait that's too far ... Wait I've seen this part ... Wait that's it."

She watched the rest of the movie with her nose literally two inches from the screen. 

A few minutes later ... "Can you let me out? I need to ... Oh you know ... Hee hee."

That happened three more times. 

I had my headphones on the entire flight and occasionally pointed to them thinking the international sign for "cannot hear" would dissuade her. 


Sunday, July 3, 2016

Headed Home!

The trip to the airport was four hours by car. Left at 6AM to catch a flight at 11:45 out of Gatwick in London. 

Simon was the driver. Great guy and made the trip interesting. We took the countryside roads because it was Sumday morning and very little traffic. 

Passed Stonehenge. Looked smaller than I thought it would but it was probably a few miles away from the road.  

I'm pretty tired. 

Airport is packed. Been a long week ... Can't wait to sleep in my own bed. In just about 10 hours I'll be there! 


Saturday, July 2, 2016

Exeter Last Day

Exeter is truly a beautiful place. It finally stopped raining here and the sun kind of peeked out so I saw some historic and remarkable buildings. 

Back home, an old building might be built in 1950. Here, it might be 1590 or even just 50. 

Unfortunately, the elevators were built around the same time and require manual operation (or 5 flights of stairs if someone forgets to close the gate). 

Last night, the Vice Chancellor hosted a dinner at his house and it was truly spectacular. He has a "Sir" before his name so you would expect nothing less. 

The dining table had its own enclosure in the garden with grape vines framing the room. 

Very impressive. 

This afternoon there is a Garden Party, held on the campus grounds. The dress for that is "lounging suits". I looked it up. Lounging suits look just like regular suits except they are tailored for guys who wear Children's size 14 slim. 

I'm more a 65 Husky. 

But I'm wearing my official Exeter pin!  "I say ... Who's the chubby bloke with the fat suit and great looking pin?"

Friday, July 1, 2016

Marmite ... Ugh!

I'm at breakfast this morning at the Royal Clarence Hotel in Exeter. Nothing Royal about it that I can tell. "Lovely old place" as the Brits would say.

I tried Marmite just now. It is the worst tasting stuff I have ever tasted. Run if you're in England and see it on your plate. Lots of vitamins apparently but gag worthy to say the least. I just read it was banned in Denmark. 

Banned in Denmark???

Ballad of the Big Prostate

Here’s a little country tune I wrote just yesterday to commemorate a dark day in my history. I don’t have a tune but realized you can use an...